Hi ho hi ho ! On holiday I go.

Posted: October 5, 2010 in Uncategorized

Back to my reality

In a prior post, I blogged that I had a dream about searching for my real father and then – via the thought processes of my dream – when I woke up and recalled the dream, I came to the conclusion that I would not spend any more effort trying to get acknowledgement from my birth father.

My ex boyfriend’s family – my daughter’s family – have always felt like the next best thing to (if not better than) my real family. They are a close family. Strange to me. Grown up cousins in their 40’s congregate for Christmas from the UK, SA and USA. Like a mass exodus for Christmas – usually to South Africa. The whole family is close. My Higher Power may have given me a dysfunctional, unclose family, but He has provided my daughter with something I never had – a close extended family. I am very grateful she has a family. I suppose I have piggybacked her family.

<Due to ongoing alcoholism and prior sexual abuse in my family, I choose that my daughter has not met my family>.

As my daughter was spending the October 2010 school break with her grandparents. I decided to “fetch” her by going to visit in the Eastern Cape for a long weekend. She would usually do the great trek on her own, being deposited into a plane on the Port Elizabeth side, with me waiting anxiously on the receiving Cape Town end.

Daughter Dear’s Dad and I relocated (ran more like) to this little place in the Eastern Cape when I was around 26. After DDD’s (Daughter Dear’s Dad) third Johannesburg rehabilitation stint (Riverfield Lodge I think it was called).

At that point, the relocation was purely to get DDD away from the drugs. We had spent a pleasant, non-drug Christmas 1995 holiday in Eastern Cape. All the shit hit the fan when we returned from holiday ending up eventually in rehab for DDD again. The natural progression in our minds then was to move to “no man’s land” to start afresh.

But, as any drug addict will know, running away does not necessarily help long term. After you have done all the packing, running and relocating – you are still eventually left with what you had. It ultimately catches up again.

In my case, I was left with a pretty hectic drug addict for a partner and a relationship based on me being the caretaker and rescuer. An adult child characteristic of mine. Sticking with a familiar role of looking after.

Relocating – I am sure – puts any relationship under a microscope. And if there was an inkling of a microbe of shit before, it magnifies that little speckle of shit bacteria into a whole pile of poo.

This whole looking after an addict while dealing with my own addictions will form part of my chronological blog later. I’m jumping again. To age 26 !

So – back to present day – I took a little sabbatical from work and made my way 1000’s of kilometers to the east.

As I was doing the 2 hour drive from the airport to the grandparents house in the dark of night, I realized my little sabbatical was the exact 10 year anniversary of when I had thrown in the towel on DDD, taken our 13 month old daughter and relocated (freaking hell, for the third time in my life at this stage, relocations do not end here, dear blog) to the fairest Cape.

One of the farmers – along the long route – has put up black signs with luminous writing. These signs lit up every now and then when my headlights caught them. “God says thou shalt not steal”, “God says thou shalt not kill”. It felt very surreal. Like a movie.

When I eventually arrived past 9pm, I was welcomed like a long lost daughter by Granny Moed. Everyone was jumping up and down on the driveway excited to see me. We stayed up the first night until midnight. Me being the listener and Granny Moed filling me in on all the family gossip and town goings on.

It’s a one horse town, but even the horse got bored and left. Gossip, golf, fishing (and drink) is the only stuff happening out of season.

Granddad is a little more reserved.  But Granny Moed and I are pretty similar in many ways. She is bi-polar and has searched for answers like I have so we have similar interests in reiki (she is a reiki master), incense, meditations and Buddha’s. She also discusses issues in a similar manner to me – at a deeper level than “how is work ?”. She talks a lot about her past and her loving parents. I’ve known both Grandparents for 15 years or more……..including a period of co-habitation so I suppose that we are close. They know my history and like me anyway. We also went through the chaotic years of DDD’s active addiction to crack.

I won’t pretend that they are the perfect family. Granny Moed…being bi-polar….is rather quirky. She reminds me of an over bearing kugel Jewish mama. But….there is a dry desert of “mama” in my own life, so an onslaught of mothering and care is lapped up by me……on the odd occassion. <I seem to recall it drove me mad when subjected to it daily. Especially when Granny Moed was in mania moods and even tidied up my personal panty drawer once without asking !>

My overall thought of the holiday – and a feeling I felt while I was there – was that it was comforting and pleasant to feel like someone’s child for a change.  A loved child at that. To feel cocooned. Something that I have missed in my life. Of being wrapped in cotton wool and smiled at. For no reason. Just because I am who I am.

The feeling of being liked by a parent or an older person who likes me. The feeling that my company is welcome and that I am a jolly good sport.

I admit I cried when I left. I wished I had taken a few days more leave.

I am feeling very grouchy since I returned. Like I need more of a rest. Like I should have stayed longer or gone earlier to have more time on holiday and with family. I wasn’t sick of being there yet (I find there is a certain amount of time before I miss home, I didn’t reach that point !)

After living in a 5 star water side house, with a speed boat parked in front of the TV room, for a long weekend and being pampered like a long lost princess with Woolies food and Sunday lunch buffets, I feel like I have came back to too much responsibilities of bills to be paid with not enough money, boring insurance work and being the strong one in life.

It does not help that my own home (which I am mostly proud of)…is the size of a postage stamp. Grandad’s study is the same size as my whole house.

I think I did see a sign saying “God says thou shalt not covet other peoples marina homes” ???!

I’m feeling ungrateful for my life because I WANT TO BE ON HOLIDAY STILL !!!!!!

This feeling will too pass.

After all, it just could be PMS 😉

Here’s hoping……………

  1. Bearskin says:

    I am sure there was a “God says thou shalt not covet other peoples marina homes” sign! lol lol. I can totally relate. Envy is one of my defects of character that causes me much dissatisfaction. Glad you had a good time and got treated like a princess.

  2. diddy says:

    Thanks BS.
    Cannot find any ACOA readings on envy or dissatisfaction !
    The more I am at home, the more I am being grateful for what I have.
    This feeling of wanting the marina home is passing 😉

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