I just want to do what’s best for me. Bleat bleat !

Posted: November 3, 2010 in Recovery, Relationship shit

I cannot pretend that things are great on the home front right now.

This isn’t going to be a very comical blog entry.

There is no ranting or raving. Just a coolness in the air at home. A battle to see who can ignore who the longest (if we happen to both be at home at the same time). With a few spurts of verbal communication. More of a battle of getting ones own point across not hearing what the other has to say anyway.

I’ve set The Boundary of The Year. The bike is up for sale which has bought up many emotions and behaviours – mainly for Porra (but this is my view point of course ! One of the perks of it being MY blog !).

I’m not going to get into a Boyfriend Bashing Blog, but I feel that communication between us has broken down to barely nothing and there is plenty of resentment from both sides.

Mainly his resentments – because I am more than happy with my decision (as it’s in my interests) and he is unhappy because his beloved bike is going, going, gone.

Porra’s ship has historically been always coming in….Just now. Next month. Next year. He believes his intentions will materialise. I’m all for positive thinking (not being blessed with it myself), but I have to look at the facts.

As my old favourite Dr Phil says – the best way to predict someone’s future behavior is to look at someone’s past behavior.

I cannot seem to get Porra to admit that he cannot afford the bike. To him, the bike’s monthly instalments are all nicely up-to-date and therefore in his opinion all is hokey dokey in Porra Bike Land.

I cannot get Porra to admit that other people have financially bailed him out (I can count 4 I know of).

I’ve dropped these issues. It’s not my intention to get someone to see my way of thinking. To force someone to see it my way. I can see the patterns which seem so obvious to me and that is what is important to me.

The only problem with Porra’s above theory from my side is that the only reason the bike is all “up-to-date” is because it’s coming off my much-healthier-than-Porra’s-I-get-a-regular-income- bank account and that he has been living rent free for 6 months.

Yesterday, I had less than a loaf of bread’s money in my cheque account because the drib-and-drab- money from Porra has not arrived yet. Some dribbled in this morning. No where near enough for me to settle my bills. The balance may arrive this week. How much ? When ? I don’t know. All I know “it’s coming”. I’m usually in the dark. I must wing it financially.

This is what is unmanageable to me.

So…the bottom line….is that I am on the bones of my ass because I’ve paid Porra’s bike instalment, bike insurance, bakkie insurance and all the household expenses upfront.

This is a regular occurrence. I cannot yet pay some of my bills due because I’m waiting on the reimbursements. I had to buy Daughter Dear’s lunch food on my card account.

I can pay my bills once I get the money owing to me. This money will also not include rent most probably seeing as I have received no rent money for 6 months except a few dribs-and-drabs totalling one months rent.

This is the situation I can no longer tolerate. It’s not my responsibility. I always take on too much responsibility. It’s stressful and not in my best interests.

This takes nothing away from Porra in that he is kind soul. An all round “nice guy”. Me being nice to Mr Nice Guy is not paying my bills !

I have dreams relating to my finances. I would love a cottage. I would like to take Daughter Dear to a tropical island for a holiday. I would love to have expensive- to- maintain-fire- engine red hair. These dreams I have gladly put on hold for 6 months because I have been helping Porra.

I just don’t want to do it anymore. The emotional cost is too high. I intend to reach my dreams.

Now … this does not mean that I value monetary items or my goals more than Porra. I know a lover and partner are irreplaceable.  But if we were equal partners in our relationship and I could foresee equality, my dreams would still be obtainable none-the-less. But when I am giving more than my fair share for over 6 months and can not see it changing in the near future, it is time for me to take stock and do what is best for me.

This has not bought out a pleasant side to Porra. There’s been subtle manipulation. There’s been anger. There’s been shouting. There’s been the silent treatment. There’s been “you don’t appreciate me” statements. I do this for you. I do that for you. You are never home. I’m not your babysitter. Have you met someone else ? I am not going on holiday with you at Christmas if it’s not on the bikes.

I cannot understand why helping someone always turns out bad for the person who helped to start off with ! This sounds like boo-hoo-victim-talk. But I don’t mean it like that. It is a sincere question.

Why do helpers get bitten on the ass by the receiptient?!!!

The adult child in me wants to make it all better, but the adult child me is the one that got me into this predicament  !

Courage to change the things I can.

The responsible adult recovery me needs to carry on with the pre-determined plan of action. I have to detach and stick to what I have decided. Even if it is against the grain of who I usually am. Trust that it will all work out at Higher Power has planned it.

I actually feel quite calm (in relation to pre-recovery similar experiences).

Porra is also concerned that if I carry on my riding hobby without him that I will be going on mainly-all-male breakfast runs. And this is not “on” in his opinion. Bordering on being told I will not be allowed to go on such rides.

The alternative to me seems to be that my own hobby and bike must gather dust because Porra cannot join in. Sorry. I was riding a bike for years before I met Porra and I plan on carrying on with my hobby.

I can understand this all sucks for Porra, but my life has to carry on. I will be making sacrifices too as he is my number one partner for road trips. It sucks for me too. That he may not join me for Christmas. But I have choices to make and I’ve made them. I’ve put things on the back burner for myself too long.

I rescued Porra within a few months of our relationship by signing for a bike for him in my name because we wanted to go on holiday together.

Perhaps the basis of our relationship is me rescuing.

If that changes, I am not sure if the relationship will survive. Right now, it feels pretty shaky.

I truly believe in my heart that I am not doing this out of malice or revenge.  Why do adult children feel so bad when they do things in their best interests ?

I’ll tell you why. Because the other person was comfy and doesn’t like change that they have not instigated !! I’m feeling bad because of Porra’s reactions. Not because of the actual darstardly deed !

Extract from characteristics:

  • We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

I just want to do what’s best for me !!!

  1. Bearskin says:

    Hang in there Diddy. When I try new behaviour it always feels uncomfortable, sometimes even after I have tried it a few times – takes ages to get more comfortable. Give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to change the things you can. Go Diddy!!

  2. You should always do what is best for you. Nobody else is going to…

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