The movie in my mind…..

Posted: November 16, 2010 in Anxiety, Recovery, Relationship shit

There is a track from Miss Saigon called “Movie in my Mind” so I’m hummimg that tune while I’m typing this….

Musicals are not my usual cup-of-tea…..(my hair is usually blown back by Collective Soul or Depeche Mode and some guitar breaking on stage or tight leather pants)…..but Daughter Dear’s Grandparents are huge Andrew Lloyd Webber fans and by default I’ve been subjected to ALL the ALW CD’s so……. I got to see Miss Saigon (and Les Miserables) in London’s West End when on holiday with DDD years ago. Miss Saigon was awesome…..not my usual…..but awesome anyhoo.

I once heard someone speak at a conference about an adult child’s brain as being like a VCR recording camera. Everyone who heard the story was awestruck at how they related……I caught myself doing it this morning and hence this post…..

An adult child’s brain is much like a movie camera…..During the day, we go through life busy. Recording it all. Filing it away. Then sometimes……we stop. This could be at anytime during the day. I can do it rather often. For ten minutes or for longer. Or perhaps it is only when my head eventually hits the pillow.

Click. Whirrrr.

The tape stops.

I have a wonderful ability to remember the day’s events. Except, I throw my own script and characters into the day’s plot. I am the Director of my movie and I am in control. I am also the star of the movie, but I play a multitude of roles….

I replay the movie. I can change the actual movie if I like (I am the Director after all !) I can think about how I could change the script, re-write a little… (i.e. I should have said this, I should have done that, whip myself on the back until I see blood)…..I can change my character (and turn myself into a bit of a victim or abit of a hero)……

I can change other peoples characters in my movie if I like too…..bulk up their character abit ….poetic license to make it more interesting or to suit my modus operandi of the day (….blame people more than what is really their fault…..make my boss more evil and menopausal, make my partner more manipultive than he really is……….have a whole variety of scapegoats..)

I can change the story and add some more sinister sub-plots (…..Porra phoned to check I have made a doctors appointment because I am sick. Does he really care about me OR is it because he is worried he is not going to get lucky in the bedroom ?……My managers are having a meeting…….are they conniving on how to get rid of me ?………The plot thickens…..)…

I can also film little short stories about the subplots…….(I end up being retrenched after the managers meeting………I am forced to move to Dubai to make money……..)

This is how my brain works if I let it. It is as natural to me as blinking…..

I don’t just make one movie about the day either. That would be far too simple ! I tend to make a whole box set. With different scenarios for the same set of events. A bit like a Ground Hog Day box set. 

DVD 1 = Victim ending. Diddy is in torment….

DVD 2 – Diddy is right ! She is a hero !

DVD 3 = Porra is the ass…..

I expect it is from being a child in an out-of-control environment where I tried to guess what was going to happen….or how I could have reacted or acted differently to make my life somehow different and better……..

I rewind the days tape and replay it as I wish. With all the changes. When I say “I’ve been in my head too much”. I mean I’ve been making movies that are loosely based on reality.

I caught myself doing a similar behaviour this morning. Except – this time – I was writing the script in my head before the days events had gotten underway. Hah, it was a trailer !!!!!!!!!

There’s me lying in the bath. Today Porra had to get up earlier than usual to go some admin work which he fobbed off last night due to feeling sick….

Now…..this is messing with my strict morning schedule (and I hate that !)………

I imagine in my mind that Porra is going to get up…..he isn’t going to make the bed……which is his job to do if it’s a usual day <I am usually gone by the time he gets his ass out of bed. My methodology is last one out, makes the bed !>….

I imagine he is going to go along his merry way and because I am here (….hear the violins playing now people…) he is going to leave the bed and expect me to make it <it’s a complicated bed with loads of pillows and folding things to do.>

I imagine all of this. AND I START TO GET ANGRY…. I get anxiety as I will have to defend myself. I am going to have to set a boundary here people !!!!!!!!!! Who the hell does he think he is ?????!

I have done all the washing of clothes and hanging up since we came back from the weekend. Six loads I tell you.

I have been up since 5:45am. I’ve packed the lunches. I’ve built a fecking raft for Daughter Dear’s history project. I had to cook supper last night….<insert each and every single thing I have done EVER !>

……….

Huff. Puff. Grrrr.

Now I’m in a strop. Rinse bath in anger (I admit it gets cleaner that way. Anger = elbow grease)

Get out of bath.

Stomp into my bedroom.

There is Porra happily making the bed. “Hi Grumpy” (his usual morning endearment).

With no thought of passing the buck and leaving poor old down trodden Diddy to do it all on her own.

My point ?

My movie camera also makes a scenario before it’s even happens and I get all the related emotions around my fake movie.

This is all before 6:45am.

Feck.

It’s exhausing having my brain sometimes.

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Comments
  1. reluctantmom says:

    This is so me, I could have written this post …. can I wait about three months and then cut and paste and claim it as my own?

    The permutations to it … I worry about every possible permutation and work out the consequences and then starting worrying and planning accordingly ….. as you said by 08h45 I have had a full fekn day and am ready to curl into a ball in the corner and just whimper …. a bit ….. a lot!

  2. diddy says:

    It’s very exhausting having Plan A Plan B, Plan C……Plan Z…..

    I think it is from imagining how to get out of the situation I was in as a child…..like escape plans or ways to change the situation….

    Of course you can nick my post…..just give me a little credit….maybe some Bourneville chocolate as payment 😉

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