Don’t know how I know Bible stories….

Posted: January 27, 2011 in Medication, Recovery

There is a famous fable in the Bible me thinks……(I seem to remember some Bible stories although I was banned as a child from attending church, but it befits a Bible story. I have no idea where I get Bible stories in my head from.)……about a very wise king who was trying to prove who a certain child belonged to.

Each man said the child was his. Eventually, he decided to chop the baby (what barbaric times) in half and give a half each to the fathers. To which, one of the men threw himself to the ground, begging for mercy on the child. The biblical very wise king thus decided that man was the father as he would rather see his child alive, and given to another man,  rather than hacked into pieces on the ceremonial slab in the palace.

<This story must have been written by a man because I can recall no references to a “wailing screaming baby”. Must be in “Luke” or “Matthew” or something. The story was all about the king and the fathers if I recall correctly>

I’ve been given a similar choice ! My initial counsellor….let’s call her…..Preggers……went on maternity leave some months back and I have “given” to Lady Galdalf.

Preggers is no longer preggers (should I rename her Post Preggers) and now I have the very free-spirited choice as to whether to return to Preggers/Post Preggers or stay with Lady Gandalf. A terrible quandry indeed.

It would be like me choosing between a Mystic Mayan Magnum (them feckers were limited edition and now you can’t get them. They were yummy dammit.) and a big big slab of Bourneville. I was asked the question easily ten days ago (between the counsellors not the chocolate….I would just buy both the Magnum and slab. Done and dusted. Problem solved) and I just can’t decide. 

I’m swinging towards Lady Gandalf as I find her extended age comforting (I think that’s a rather polite way of saying it!). This could be because my comforter as a child was Granny (also white hair and wrinkles). 

I was speaking to Lady Gandalf yesterday about me mucking about with meds and taking it erratically. She said this is typical addictive behaviour. To think that I can mess about with my meds and not take it as prescribed. Interesting comment or what !

The first part of the counselling course module is how to take a history of a patient. So she says if I was a patient, she would ask:

LG – so Diddy Druggie…what medication are you taking ?

DD – Dr Cool prescribed one Cipralex a day and a Remeron for when I can’t sleep.

LG – that’s not what I asked. How much do you actually take ?

DD – Oh. Um. Half dose Monday, Half dose Wednesday…..maybe a full one on Saturday……I keep on forgetting

LG – that’s typical addictive behaviour. That sort of erractic dosage cannot be good for you. No wonder you feel crap !

DD – ………………….

Well……I’ve been taking my full dose for ….I don’t know……maybe ten days now. And ….man….I feel much better.

I’ve started to make a list of things I would like to talk to Lady Gandalf about. Lest we discuss really arb stuff in my precious hour. I’m doing “budget” therapy at the moment and only see her once every 2 weeks.

I have been having a sort of “sharing” anxiety lately. It has been worrying me for weeks. Making me feel crap at meetings.

One of the gifts of recovery is that I am very aware that I have my own opinions now. If I share or discuss something, the environment is usually not the “feedback” type of environment. Get in there. Share your thoughts and it moves on to the next person. I cannot change my opinion….because I wouldn’t get a chance (just as well!)

I have been feeling (now this does not mean it is real you understand) abit out on a limb all on my own. A tad uncomfortable. Like my perceptions or understanding or thoughts are not akin to others. I feel like people are not relating to me or getting me. Like I like potato crisps and everyone else likes popcorn.

It has been quite a lonely experience and I have felt excluded, but ….most importantly…..I realise it may be my perception and it is more than likely it is my own shit (or even a lack of chemicals or surging of Cipralex up and down in my brain)

Even when I comment on a reading, I feel like I am getting the wrong end of the stick because the next person relating(and the next and the next….) has a totally different take on the whole thing. It’s like I totally miss it. Like I am a whacko outsider.

I posted a comment on another blog the other day. And felt the same “imaginary feedback” because I was not answered. I then felt my comment was out-of-line or I missed the person’s point completely or I did not comfort them enough. And then I felt like a big yellow nana of note.

Lady Gandalf has suggested that I just listen. Which I think I have been doing to some degree. But then it has made me feel isolated.

I’m still working on my family tree/time line thingy. Need to get into Power Point soon. I think that’s the best program for that sort of thing.

  1. I feel like this alot if it makes you feel better. Especially on the forum. I’ll respond to something and my response will get glossed over and then I feel like I’ve totally missed the point and made an ass out of myself. I believe there is a term for this, one of those urban dictionary type terms. A made up silly one.

    I also have ‘oh fine just ignore me days’. Those are my least favourite. Where it feels like my comments are ignored, my emails/smses take ages to get answered and then my anxiety sky rockets.

    I have been putting it down to lack of self esteem. Would be interested to hear what Lady G says about it so I shall piggy back on your therapy session if that’s ok 😉

    Oh it’s so much fun.

    • diddy says:

      Glad I am not the only one out there.

      I can so relate to worrying about not getting sms or email responses too ! Plus the posting on forums “anxiety”

      I know I care too much about what people think of me. Even people I don’t really know !

      I’ll keep you posted !

  2. Bearskin says:

    I can also relate, and I still sometimes worry that I said something that will make somebody get the wrong (bad) opinion of me. It has got much better though. I think this is a sort of mid recovery thing. For me, early recovery I was grateful to be sober and not screwing up, then mid-recovery I was sort of getting it right. Act cleaned up, looking like a somebody, and a rep to protect. I suppose this is the down side of having some self esteem. It is, for me, definitely a ‘my stuff, warped perspective’ sort of thing. Nowadays if I say something I don’t feel was ‘perfect’ enough I try hard to forgive myself. Hope you have a fun weekend.

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