Repeat performance

Posted: February 3, 2011 in Recovery, Relationship shit

Thump thump bang bang grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

<me angrily banging away at the keyboard>

Sorry guys. This is a repeat performance so to speak. An argument that Porra and I have on a regular basis. If swearing offends you STOP READING RIGHT NOW. This sort of post deserves only the best of the swearing vocab that I bloody well know.

It is the beginning of February. All the world over, January is a kak kak kak month for finances. It is no different in Diddyland. I would like all the money owing to me to come in.

Porra is – as usual – in a more kak financial situation than me.

Last week, I asked if I was getting rent for January. He said he would “try”. Maybe next week. So I said OK if you could pay me R1,000 of the R2,000 it would help.

Now I understand he has been in financial peril since he got retrenched and he is now self-employed.

Well now it’s “next week”. So I asked again last night before I went to a meeting. This is like showing a red flag to the proverbial bull. It immediately angers Porra and he gets into this angry “I am trying the best I can. What do you want me to do, go rob a bank”. He then harps on about how he is going without vitamins and blah blah fucking blah. He gets this look on his face. He closes down and starts fuming.

I immediately said I am just asking and I am allowed to ask once or twice a week. Stop freaking out. He says I am nagging. Sorry. I don’t think I am fecking nagging if I ask once or twice a week when am I getting R2,000 January rent money.

<Bear in mind here he owes me 5 months rent from last year still>

Now I know he is in the wrong and I am being manipulated. I have been more than giving and understanding of his lack of finances. I ask for nothing from him financially except the rent money.

<he still owes Daughter Dear her birthday and christmas presents, but I have let that one go even though I think it is not on seeing as I bought his kid nice presents. He seems to have forgotten about the wipe board he said he would make for DD for her room>

Now….I’ve just got a new phone. I didn’t realise my upgrade would be so soon and I just bought a new phone in November for R1250 cash. So I’m gonna sell it. Porra asks if his son Messy can buy it as his is broken. Messy is getting a rather large refund from his phone because it’s faulty and they are refunding the money apparently.

I say yup sure. R400 (I would probably sell it for R500 – R600 on Gumtree because it’s so new).

So after this agrument about rent money, Porra asks can his son have the phone now and he will pay me “next week”.

Now ….it’s my effing turn to be the bull angered by the red flag.

I felt – what the fuck am I ? The Porra Credit Facility ??????? I said no. I get the cash, you get the phone.

Came back from meeting. Prayed in car for help with this repeat fecking argument.

Argument continues (which I am trying to have as a discussion, but Porra can never never freaking talk about money without getting angry).

Porra shows in a curve ball. “Women just want money”.

I rarely get fucking angry. But you know what. I pay for myself all the bleeding time. We go to Wimpy. I put in my portion. We go to the movies, I pay my movie and popcorn and bloody coke. We go to dinner. I pay my side of it. We go dutch on everything. Every single thing. We go to a play for my birthday evening. I pay my half.

I have never heard such nonsense in my life. Apparently now I am the money sponger ? 

I told him as calmly as I could how offended I was. How I pay my way all the time and now he accuses me of just wanting money.

<My flat costs me R5000 – R6000 per month. R2 000 is a very fair fucking deal by the way>

I spent a few moments trying to make friends with Porra while he stared sulkily and angrily at the TV. Silent treatment deluxe. I thought FUCK THIS. I am not sitting here trying to people please him and make it all better and fix it all when he is so obviously in the wrong.

I bid him farewell, good night, went upstairs to bed and turned off my anger by reading my Faye Kellerman novel.

I am still fuming. Spitting mad.

He is so wrong it sucks. But he will never admit it. Never has. Never will. We have the same horrible argument every single month about lack of rent. Or half rent or whatever it is I eventually get.

I know I should not swallow my anger and I know I should be feeling my feelings.

But other than that I am not sure what to do with my feelings.

I am stewing today.

I know this all so co-dependant. Classic Melanie Beattie fodder. Like I am being kind Or what I think is kind) and the other person is manipulating me back. Saying things like “I didn’t ask you to sign for my bike”.

I can hear my brain saying “BUT I AM SO KIND, WHY DO I GET TREATED LIKE THIS ? I WILL NEVER EVER FECKING HELP PORRA FINANCIALLY AGAIN !”.

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