Trance of Fear.

Posted: February 15, 2011 in Anxiety, Recovery

I’d like to go away for a weekend in mid March. Go every year.

Trouble is I cannot take Daughter Dear as it’s a biking thing. Don’t want her on the back and it’s really not the type of place I want to take her to….<read – strippers, alcohol, general roughness. missing front teeth>.

Thought I would ask one of her friends to have DD for one night straight after school on the Friday and a friend of mine – could take over the Saturday afternoon and the second night. I’ll leave Friday and be back Sunday.

So I asked the one friend via email. And the answer was negative, she is busy that weekend.

No family around. Dad in Moz rehab. Still.

<is this sounding like victim mode ?!>

At the very same time (and there are apparently no coincidences in life)…..I was reading a reading about fear.

My heart sank when I could feel my already-carefully-thought-out-plan starting to unravel. I immediately got very fearful. Perhaps because Porra would go on his own because I can’t go…… He will meet someone else. He will realise I am not the bee-all and end-all of his life ! I will be dumped and alone ! blah blah.

I’m not sure why I get so fearful. On a realistic level, it’s just plain- mental- stinking- thinking as they call it.

Because I have laid out plans in my head that aren’t happening ? A loss of contol ? WHAT !!!!? I don’t know.

My heart went immediately into panic fear mode.

This is a total overreaction. The trip is still 4 weeks away. There is plenty of time to try and organise other arrangements. Plenty. Of. Fecking. Time. Why. The. Panic. ?.

This is not how I want to be. Fear bites me on the ass immediately. It’s pretty much automatic.

I can so relate to the reading below about being in a state of fear incase I am late every morning. It’s something I have to always talk myself out of.

<I don’t know why I am always in a panic to get to work at 8am. My boss only arrives at 9am ! Go fecking figure>

Befriend Your Fears

Shine the light of compassion on all that frightens you to find healing and freedom.

By Tara Brach

Maria described herself, during our first therapy session, as a “prisoner of fear.” Her slight frame was tense, and her dark eyes had an apprehensive look. From the outside, she said, her life appeared to be going very well. As a social worker, she was a strong advocate for her clients. She had good friends, and she had been living with her partner, Jeff, for three years. Yet her incessant worrying about how things might go wrong clouded every experience.

When stuck in morning traffic, Maria was gripped with fear about being late for work. She was perpetually anxious about disappointing her clients or saying the wrong thing at staff lunches. Any hint of making a mistake spiraled into a fear of being fired. At home, if Jeff spoke in a sharp tone, Maria’s heart pounded and her stomach knotted up. “This morning he complained that I’d left the gas tank near empty, and I thought, ‘He’s going to walk out and never come back,'” she said. Maria could never shake the feeling that just around the corner, things were going to fall apart.

Maria was living in what I call the trance of fear. When you are in this trance, fearful thoughts and emotions take over and obscure the larger truths of life. You forget the love between you and your dear ones; you forget the beauty of the natural world; you forget your essential goodness and wholeness. You expect trouble and are unable to live in the present moment.

 

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Comments
  1. I’m sure we can sort something out.

    Mail me details X

  2. diddy says:

    Awwww. That’s sweet of you.
    Now I feel guilty for posting this !
    Will mail you’s.
    D
    x

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