Vino, my dear friend.

Posted: February 24, 2011 in Drug abuse, Me and alcohol, Recovery

Anyone new to this blog, may think “oh feck, I thought this was about growing up   in an alcoholic home, not about being an actual alcoholic”.

<Don’t hit “back” just yet!>

But bear with me. One of the characteristics of an Adult Child goes along the lines of….

We become alcoholics or addicts ourselves, marry them or both or find other compulsive personalities, such as a workoholic, to fulfil our sick need for abandonment.

I have danced around my own alcohol problems or alcoholism (did I say that aloud !?) for a while now (hit “me and alcohol” category)

I have had quite a hectic week of social events:

Friday – U2

Saturday – braai at mates house

Tuesday – book club (was looking forward to meeting Herschelle Gibbs but he didn’t pitch. The author of his book was the guest speaker).

Wednesday – dinner with friend (she wanted advice on her ex-the-alckie-just- entered -rehab)

I would not say I am a raving alcoholic. A bottle of wine or two sits on my shelf in the kitchen fine, no problem (I don’t squirrel them away into the bath with me is what I mean. I have a french friend who loves to give me wine). They can be there for 2 weeks, no prob.

But I am abit like one of those vampire brothers from Vampire Diaries. Once they get a sniff of the red stuff, their eyes go funny, the veins in their face expand and their teeth pop out………..they need to feed !

So the similarity is that ….once the lid is off that wine, I am keen to make a huge dent into said bottle of vino.

In the old days, I would have polished the whole lot off………………but……….oh heck……..now I have the kiljoy feeling of AWARENESS !

I do set myself a limit of “two glasses”…….(but sometimes I don’t pour a full glass and have some halves…..soooooooo) but I have heard the expression of controlled drinking as “white knuckling it”. And I suspect that is what I do. No. That is what I do.

It’s getting to the point where I am not enjoying the two glasses of red because I am aware I am only allowed to have two ! So I am worried about what happens when my two are finito ! (Help !? Does this make frikking sense ?)

<there is also Porra waiting in the wings with his notebook counting off said two glasses>

It’s abit like going on a diet and then lusting after a KFC rounder and then eating a salad for lunch and …….then eating TWO KFC rounders for supper anyway. 

Now….I’m busy studying alcoholism and addiction right ?

If I put on my rehab counsellor hat…..(it’s now on, if you have a big imagination !) – the social events could be defined as “triggers” …..and my desire not to give up my Merlot completely could be defined as “denial”.

I have not got rat arsed the last week, but I have a real sense of white knuckling it.

I’m feeling quite a bit of a hypocrite to be doing this course if I can’t even define my own shit.

Not sure why I’m blogging about this, but it’s been on my mind and I’m trying to join the dots and figure it all out.

Why is it an issue to give up ? It’s not as if alcohol has ever done anything positive for me ?

I am just so confused.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Cherry says:

    Thank you for your post – i have only just found your blog and i’m not even sure how i did…. i was looking for somewhere to volunteer on christmas day! Anyway, i have just ended a relationship with a man who is definitely an alcoholic and your post here has sort of clarified the confusion (?) he must also feel. He used to ‘control’ his drinking for a while but always ended with a binge.. and then he could actually stop altogether, but only for about 5 weeks at most and then it seemed he just had to have a drink and couldn’t stop. I can now see from your honesty how confusing it is when you don’t want to do something, but you want to as well. He never managed to stay at AA because he said he didn’t really want to stop… anyway.. just wanted to thank you and also took note that you would be cross with me if I didn’t comment 😉 BTW – i’m also from UK and came here at 12… but a little older than you.. Good luck – i shall keep reading…

    • diddy says:

      Hi

      And welcome.

      I personally battle going the whole hog and accepting I am an alcoholic. This allows me to waft around on the edges. Some days I feel normal, some days I know I am an alcohol abuser and some days I feel downright alcoholic.

      Some days I can decline a drink, some days I can have two glasses of wine and stop no problem…..other times, I can stay up until 2am and drink.

      Welcome…

      (A new years resolution is to blog more frequently again!)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s