I’ve lost that loving feeling….now its gone, gone, gone, goooonnnnneeeeeee.

Posted: May 12, 2011 in Recovery, Relationship shit, Sexual abuse

My co-sponsor and I met before the group meeting last night. We didn’t get to meet over the past weekend as usual. I suggested we meet for coffee for a catch up. She had a gap. All set.

A “co-sponsor” is along the lines of a “fellow traveller” relationship rather than the teacher and student type relationship of traditional AA and NA sponsor and sponsee…

<sorry to any long term readers. this definition is probably a repeat!>

One of the dynamics of our relationship that I love….is that we meet in extraordinary places for our co-sponsor meetings. We both have various nosey people at home and a fair amount of lack of privacy on the house front so more often than not we need to think “out of the box” for a private place.

 This is not such a bad thing as we have to dig deep on location ideas. We meet at local swimming pools, beaches and last night, at a casual restaurant for coffee near the meeting. Once, we have even sat shivering outside her house on a rocky ledge watching the sunset over the sea.

I am on page 48 of my sexual healing book which says…

This compassionate resource helps survivors to:

  • identify the sexual effects of sexual abuse
  • Eliminate negative sexual behaviour and resolve specific problems
  • Gain control over upsetting automatic reactions to touch

Etc etc etc. Right up my street.

I must say….reading this book……is opening a can of worms for me. I feel quite spacey and “out-of-it” in the evenings. It’s making me think more about my childhood (yes. yet again!) But I feel that it has to be done in response to my recent feelings around sex.

Diddy – <lying in bed reading book>

Porra – your face looks funny. Are you OK ?

Diddy – I’m fine. Just this book probably.

Porra – should you be reading the book then ?

Diddy – there has been no better time in my life to read this book. Sorry love. It has to be done.

Much later….

Porra – <kiss, kiss, grope, grope, slurp>

Diddy – Errrrrrr. I don’t think so……

I have remembered there were other episodes of sexual not-too-kosher incidences in my childhood that I had long forgotten about. Concerning an older child next door and around my two older step brothers…………I have never mentioned these times to anyone. No-one.

I am not even sure…..even as I sit here all knowledgable and all (joke!)…….if they would be regarded as sexual abuse or whether they were child/early teenage experimentation.

I do think there are some clear cut cases of childhood experimentation. Innocent show- me- yours- and- I’ll- show -you- mine-ewwwwww-yuk-I’ll -never -touch- one- of -those sort of stuff. But I cannot fathom out if the neighbour/step brothers once off fiddlings constitute additional abuse. Perhaps it is not important ?

<I have documented my “primary” abuse on this blog. Hit the categories to the right for sexual abuse posts>

I do recall as a 6 year old being caught naked with an equally naked neighbourhood 6 year old male friend. Playing Mummies and Daddies. It was a purely innocent “look see” private party !

Perhaps when it is when the parties involved are NOT of equal or similar age to each other and that the equality is not there that it starts sliding into the abuse category ?

Porra is still being a good sport about the whole healing scene. He still turned up the hugs and kisses last night even though he knew he was not going to be on the receiving end of any lovin’.

I have a growing respect for who he is on the inside.

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