Introducing Emily Buckets….

Posted: June 12, 2011 in Recovery, Trying to be a good parent !

My blog has deviated recently away from my childhood living with an alcoholic or two……to childhood sexual abuse.

For this I apologise….and any new readers ?…..there is a shit load of bleating about parents/alcoholics in the archives if you care to look !

I am very much still an “adult child”. I doubt this will ever change completely. But I am learning to live alright regardless. Less mental breakdowns, less medication, stable relationship, being a much better parent than ever before.

 The only reason that the blog has changed direction is because that is the latest bastard skeleton trying to get out of the closet and mess up my serenity. It got to the point where I had to be honest with Porra and myself about how I felt truly about our sex life and make some healing changes…..

An adult child is a person whose parents were addicts or alcoholics. In fact, I have also read that if a parent was ill (i.e. bipolar) or if you were an orphan, you can also relate to the characteristics. The bottom line is neglect of some sort. A child’s needs not being met.

I heard someone this week being confused as to why they related yet her parents themselves were not alcoholics…..

You can also be an adult child or relate if your grandparents were alcoholics or addicts. This could make your parent/s adult child……..and the behaviours/dysfunction could be part of their history and therefore passed on to you as part of your life.

Tweenie cried last week Thursday about her Dad. Big real tears. Big heartsore ones. I don’t often see Tweenie cry emotional tears.

Pain ones. Yes.

I want those new Ed Hardy boots, but Mom is mean and won’t buy them tears. Yes.

Big KFC Avalanche versus the Mini Avalanche tears. Yes.

Tweenie is an adult child too after all. It is funny (not funny ha ha) that exactly where I am digging around in my psyche is exactly her age now. Although I never wished it for my child, she is an 11 year old adult child just like I was.

I asked her to guest blog a little for me.

My name is Emily buckets. my dad used to take drugs. the only part i rememeber when i was 5 or 6 i was at the swimmingpool with my dad and my dad was always in the bathroom for some reason(taking drugs).i was calling my dad ,for him to come and swim with me. so eventually he came and had a dip. my mom came stormming in and said to my dad,”are you ok?”. my dad replied,”yes, why?”.my mom asked,”Are you taking drugs?”. my dad lied back,”no im not.”.My mom said,”ok, fine im going to go buy a drug mom walked out of the swimmingpool area and dad run after my mom and said “ok im taking drugs”. that afternoon he said that he had to go and i said,”dad,dont leave me.”. he replied,”sorry i got to go.”then with that last word he left. i started to cry. i cried and cried, but he didnt come back.i still see him maybe two to four times a year,but that memory will be with me forever.

  1. Fiona says:

    How sad for your little girl to have that as a memory of her dad 😦
    I hope her heart is able to heal and she learns how to forgive him…

    • diddy says:

      Hi Fiona
      She has forgiven her dad. As it all stands now. She looks up to him. I think the impact will only be when she’s abit older.
      I told her to try and think of him as an older brother figure….but….nah…..she didnt like that idea.

  2. reluctantmom says:

    I have begun to wonder …. seriously if we ever heal from our child stuff.

    I am 39 and seem to move between highs – where I feel I can walk on water – and ebbs – where I feel I would like to lie in a pool of water .. forever.

    I am making a concerted effort to not to this entire “poor little me” bleat, and I wish I could just “move on” but I am wondering that maybe it is just not possible, maybe at some level we are always “that” 11 year old girl (insert appropriate age), no matter how much we try and how much money, therapy, books, internal dialogue we throw at it.

    I have started to feel that we overcome or “get by” what we have experienced, but we never truly heal …. but maybe I am just at an ebb, a very loooowwww ebb.

    Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently….

    • diddy says:

      I totally get the highs and lows. Some days I feel so invincible and a week later I feel so down and just damn incapable. I can so relate.

      I don’t think we ever truly heal, but just learn how to deal with the skeletons in the closet. And unfortunately there is usually a gang of skeletons in the closet. Not just one easy one to kill.

      In my experience, it’s never just one plain and simple issue that needs resolving. OR……over time, different issues need more attention….or you knock one on the head…..perhaps have a gap and there is something else to deal with….

      I’ve had this child sexual abuse shit for 20 years……..but the skeleton has only chosen to come out now…..regardless of what I want or feel. It’s come out because it had to.

      I wish you hope….


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