I have had four days off work. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and now today Sunday. Oh why does it have to end ??!

One of the things my brain does on a regular basis  – and I suspect it is the adult child part of my brain – is to assume to everyone else is always having a good time without me and somehow I have been left out or dumped. This can amplify any seedling feelings of loneliness that I may have deep in my soul somewhere.

<Disclaimer – this is all in my frikking brain by the way and has no bearing on reality ! or perhaps…..?>

If I do not hear from so-and-so for a certain amount of time, I kind of suffer in silence for yonks….assuming that they have found a better, nicer, prettier, more entertaining friend than me.

It has been proven again and again that this is usually an assumption on my part. It is the sad- self -centred side of me that assumes that I have somehow fucked up the friendship by just being me.

I do think that this stems from my childhood where I just accept blame for stuff going wrong….any stuff…. the scapegoat mentality. The lull in a friendship can be for many reasons……..not just because I am the biggest nana this side of the equator or the selfish-est child ever.

I knew on Wednesday that with four days looming in front of me that those feelings of not being good enough or the stinky kid that no-one wants to play with would probably pop up unless I did something constructive with my spare four day time.

I did what I don’t like doing……which is to ask a medley of friends if they wanted to get together to catch up.

Well, big -stinky- kid- nana cannot be that smelly or that ‘orrible because I must say ….I have had a very special and rewarding four days of friends, movies, popcorn, pitza and my little family…..and a pedi thrown in for a bit of self lurve.

<I am calling Porra, Messy and Tweenie collectively my family in this post which means I must have a sense of belonging with them this week……….the feeling of which is not always there as we are not all really related technically>

Fathers Day is a tad bittersweet for me. Always has been ……as my little brother was born on Fathers Day 1979 which means it is an anniversary of a specific memorable incident of childhood sexual abuse for me.

https://chickendee.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/95/

This particular night is the one that causes the most flashbacks for me. Not a particularly pleasant anniversary people ! And on Fathers Day. Cosmic joke. Father issues deluxe to the power of ten.

Fathers Day for me today was so very special.

I don’t usually have a male figure to contact about Fathers Day. So I don’t.

Phone Sperm Donor ? Nope. Haven’t spoken to him over the phone since 1996 roughly. Step Dad Dave ? No fecking way. Have had no contact with him since 1992-ish. Contact Tweenie’s grandad ? Mmmmmm. I always think he might think I am being weird or trying to arse creep him.

I know Porra isn’t my Dad….but to me being a Dad is about being the male presence that keeps everyone together and contented. We shared Fathers Day today with Porra celebrating being a proud Dad of hairy canary Messy. We went for breakfast <I should have shares in the Wimpy!> and Porra admitted he felt like Brad Pitt with so many of us sharing his  breakfast celebration with him !

The fact that he and I are coming up to our 4 year relationship anniversary is a miracle. Not the fact that we’ve been together for 4 years……because I have been there once in my dating life….. but the point is we are at the 4 year mark and still liking each other is the wow part for me.

The fact that our kids get along brilliantly is a blessing. The fact that we are a working weekend family unit is special.

As Kung Fu Panda says in the new Kung Fu Panda movie:

“Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are. It is the rest of your story – who you choose to be.” Kung Fu Panda 2

Happy Fathers Day !!!!

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