Everyday I’m shuffling

Posted: June 28, 2011 in Anxiety, Recovery, Relationship shit, Sexual abuse, Uncategorized

There is an pretty cool song on the radio at the moment with the words “everyday I’m shuffling”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJdH_286w78

It really describes where I am at right now. And I pump the volume up whenever I’m in the car and it’s on.

In limbo.

Stuck.

It’s very frustrating. I can’t make plans for stuff. Big stuff and little stuff. Oh hell, medium stuff. All stuff.

Want to plan a trip to the UK ? Can’t spend emergency money on trip.

Want to buy a new curtain for my lounge ? Can’t. I might need the R2,000 next month for a bond payment if I’m without a job.

I even found myself paralysed today in front of two scatter cushions I wanted at Mr Price Home. What if I need that R89.99 and R49.00 next month for some essential or other ? They were very wantable by the way. And I will probably get them on the weekend once I have convinced myself I can “afford” them.

The point is I am trying to save as much for my rainy day fund which is accumulating nicely. I am fine financially right now.

<Being fearful of financial peril is a characteristic of mine>

Yes. I am- in -severe- panic- don’t- over -spend-save-for-a-rainy-day- mode. But I am sure I will not lose my house/car/bike/child over two fecking scatter cushions. !

On the sexual healing side, I am stuck. The next “exercise” ….I am finding I don’t want to go there. I’ve been delaying it. It feels uncomfortable.

This is meaning that our sexual vacation is still on. Poor Porra is starting to act like a dog with a bitch on heat in the vicinity.

<I make this assumption from the whimpering noises he makes. If he was a dog, he would be humping my leg.>

<Footnote – the modus operandi as explained by the book….is not to give in to “sympathy sex” but to engage in that sort of activity IF you are so inclined. And frankly dear blog, Diddy is still on vacation>

The next exercise is relatively simple I suppose, but I suspect it is in the book as it is a known-difficult-thing -to -do for someone like me.

<I am battling to spit this all out here. Please be patient your call will be answered.>

Ag. It involves me looking at my bits and bobs down below. And naming them.

Have a good old eyeball.

A bit of a guessing game in the mirror.

Well, me, the mirror and those dingle dangles have not seen each other since I was 11 or thereabouts. It was definitely the early ’80’s. Well. Now it is 2011 so it was fecking yonks ago.

I have a few theories on this uncomfortableness.

Diddy may-be-wrong-theory-number-1

In the adult child world, there is an idea that children of alcoholics become stuck in their childhood. Therefore –  before I came into the program, I was emotionally a child. I can definitely say this is true for me. I have been able to mature in the program, become my own loving parent and make better choices for myself. My new sexual healing theory is that I am sexually stuck as a child. And because I was scared/disgusted/haven’t figured out the feeling yet of my bits, I did not mature sexually through the inquisitive, exploring teenage years. That is as far as I have got in that theory……..but it feels right. Of course I will ask Mr Google.

Diddy-arse- about- face- theory -number-2

Perhaps because my nether regions caused me pain and problems from when I was 8 or so, I developed a they- are -not -there -attitude. I am now being forced….no – asked……by the heal -yourself -manual to acknowledge their exsistence.

Right. That is enough purging onto the screen for one night.

Blogging your shit ain’t for the faint hearted.

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Comments
  1. Wenchy says:

    Not for the faint hearted at all.

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