Getting your shit out there……

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Anxiety, Depression, Oh woe is poor little me, Recovery

There are various ways in which I get my personal “shit” out there.

My blog obviously.

Forums.

Meetings (not the office kind you understand!)

Recovery type workshops.

Talking to like minded people who I might see on a regular basis and who I trust (like a co-sponsor)

Around two weeks ago, I attended a workshop on Toxic Shame. Toxic Shame I suppose is therapy jargon for “feeling very shitty about yourself where there is no evidence to feel soooooo shitty”.

Bottom line because my caregivers farked up with my upbringing, me ….as a child…..internalised it all and now feel like a piece of dog crap at the mere inkling that I might somehow be at fault. Low self esteem to the power of nine. With not much hard evidence to back it all up except that your mother told you since age dot that you were a selfish little brat who should have been a boy.

Yes. I think that about sums it up.

This is all well and good. But Diddy thought it would be a fecking grand idea in all her wisdom…..to attend a workshop on why I mostly feel like a waste of space.

<have you noticed I “swear” alot recently ? I am thinking I have underlying anger farking issues of late!>

The workshop went as all recovery workshops go. You vomit your emotional disgusting shit in front of mainly strangers. You cry abit. You do some therapy art type stuff to express yourself. You listen. You share.

Did I find it therapeutic ? I am not sure dear blog.

I think I am getting past exposing my inner workings to physical strangers (as opposed to virtual strangers in cyberspace)

If I have a therapist, a blog and a boyfriend who I can mostly talk to………is there any therapy in letting it out to complete bunch of strangers who I will never see again ?

Perhaps as I am getting further along in my journey, I am not wanting to purge my shit to anyone who will listen.

This is certainly a change for me.

Just a thought.

 

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Comments
  1. Bearskin says:

    Hey Diddy. I agree. I think there comes a time that simply disclosing is not enough. For me it was enough for a long time, and it took me ages to feel comfortable with it, but today I want more. Sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

  2. reluctantmom says:

    I like the idea of the workshop.
    I am disappointed it did not contribute sufficiently to your journey.

    I am not ready to go group work/therapy work shops/even therapy – I am on the look out for the ‘quick fix’ – I can cognitively understand it might not exist, but I cling to the hope that someone out there can assist me in ‘switching’ the way my mind processes stuff and then deals with it.

    I do also realise I am hoping someone OUT THERE has my internal solution — but that is where I am.

    • diddy says:

      RM – I think for me I am abit of a dinosaur in the group therapy arena. I was in a single moms group therapy type thing for about 8 years and now ACOA for over 4 years. That’s at least 600 grup meeting type thingymabobs.

      I think that workshops are perhaps better suited to someone to needs a crash course on a particular “subject” like Toxic Shame or Healing the Inner Child that they are not au fait with.

      And then if it strikes a nerve, one could explore it more…..

      Just like a 21 day stint in rehab is not meant to cure someone of their addiction, but is rather an intro beginners course to recovery ….

      I find it very helpful to be able talk to other people in my shoes (who I know have the mind processes as me) rather than a therapist who may or may not have that life experience.

      One of the reasons I respect Lady Gandalf is because I know she is also in a 12 step program so I know she has been in my shoes.

      To me …. a true mentor is someone who has been there, done that and thrived regardless. This is what I see in Lady Gandalf and other people (HI BS !) I know through group work.

      Sorry about the Hamlet type speech here ! 😉

      Hope my thought process is understandable !

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