Goodbye and new beginnings….

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Anxiety, Depression, Recovery, Sexual abuse

Tomorrow I am resigning from my job. I’ve been there four and a half  years. I’m part of the furniture (shabby furniture by the way). No one knows. Not a soul. I have been surprisingly good at keeping my big mouth shut (and it has been an effort not to break into song, jump into the air and click my heels together or gnash my teeth in anxiety waiting for revised hopefully better salary packages to come through to my gmail).

It hasn’t been easy as I had to negociate my package. Step one – I was offered the job. Step 2 – sorting out the salary package. The first package was way under my current salary. Thank God I asked for a dummy payslip as it looked similar on face value. Shooooo ! I am blessed to be anal sometimes !!!!!

The second package offer was bumped up to what I earn now.  The trouble is….the new guys know the old guys are retrenching so they are not coming after me with “head hunting” type wow offers.

I then asked for a slight increase on my current package. A 5% increase. This was declined. They cited reasons as they offer more job security and room to grow whereas my current employer are busy retrenching.

Yes. True. But I thought I would try my luck. Else I would have regretted it being a chicken and not asking.

So I accepted the final offer tonight. I am moving for the same salary, but better security and room to grow. With a package review after 3 months probabtion. I am going to have to shine like I don’t know what to get an increase ! No fecking pressure. Not !

So it is goodbye to the familiar. Familiar people, familiar route to work, familiar everything. I like familiar. Makes me feel safe.

I was downstairs one morning this week. Thank God in the quiet. It was still dark. Quiet is a rare commodity lately. I heard my sitting room clock ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock.

I closed my eyes. And I felt the beautiful familiar feeling of being in my Granny’s bedroom as a child. She had a very high double bed. Or perhaps I was a short shit still. Anyway, I remember it being a monster bed. She had a “Big Ben” alarm clock that tick tocked loudly. I could recall her night stand. A strange looking formica thing with sides that could flap down. And the light cord that hung down in the middle of her double bed. She used to tug on it hard to turn the light on and off. I have no idea why she didn’t have a bedside lamp ? Perhaps she did. We used to share a bed when I was little and I lived with her. I can remember her struggling to get into her flesh coloured corset thing in the mornings.

I love familiar. For me to move away from familiar there has to be a pretty good reason.

No income is a pretty good reason !

In some ways I wish things could stay the same, but nothing is forever eh ?

The threat of possible retrenchment lit a fire under my arse that burned hot and it spurred me on to making an alternative employment plan.

I haven’t had much time to blog this crazy week.

The new adult survivors of child sexual abuse group started on Monday. And it feels like it will grow wings and go to healing and healthy places for anyone involved.

I didn’t put that much effort into the paperwork needed to run a meeting. That is the stuff like the unique 12 steps, the intro, the common characteristics and the closing.

I’d downloaded six or seven other meeting formats from the website and chose one that looked the easiest to follow.

I read it twice in the day before the meeting and I thought I was all set. No one was going to turn up after all. I was going to have plenty plenty time to read through the stuff !

This was under my own misguided understanding that only I and perhaps one other lady would turn up (if I hadn’t scared her off with my over zealous prior conversations about said group !). Perhaps I always think bad of myself and my negative view – “over zealous” could actually be termed “passion” or “enthusiastic” !!

Any-the-hoo….I was all geared up to be on my own regardless. I took this as fine with me in my head. That I would use the time to have have some peace, quiet  and space to do some adult child or sexual abuse reading.

It would appear I am willing to go to great lengths to get some peace and quiet !  Relishing time in a cold church hall with no coffee !

Well……it turned out better than I ever expected. Five or six ladies turned up. I was blown away. Very excited (in hindsight). Very nervous at the time. But at the end of it all -very grateful that I will have people to share my sexual abuse healing  journey with. We will all help each other.

I will never be alone again with my child sexual abuse crap.

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Comments
  1. Nes says:

    Congrats on the new job! I start my new job on Monday and its all a bit scary. I like the familiar but sometimes what is familiar is not good. And I also have to shine in my new job…I took a pay cut but will get an increase in Jan in I work well. We can shine together! 😉

    p.s. glad the group went well.

  2. Bearskin says:

    Applause. Well done Diddy. For all sorts; putting your CV out there, asking for what you believe you are worth, sticking to your guns, taking a risk, doing what you can to heal!! Would you have imagined this 3, or 5 years ago?

    Can relate to your gran’s room. I remember by gran’s bedroom too. Sounds very similar – also a high bed. I remember her room smelled of face powder. I have some letters that my gran wrote me that are most precious to me.

    Surge forward.
    Hugs

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