Freeze !

Posted: August 8, 2011 in Recovery, Relationship shit, Sexual abuse

I realized this morning that I immediately get uncomfortable/scared/freeze/label –it-what-you-will-because- I- haven’t- figured- out- the- appropriate- word-yet……at the very beginning of intimacy.

Not half an hour into it all as I would have thought.

One would think that child sexual abuse survivors are scared of actual sex.

So quickly am I uncomfortable, it could actually not even really be called “being intimate”. It can just be a slight gesture. Or a particular groan (errm….not from me by the way).

Within 10 seconds flat. I’m shot in the foot before I’ve even started to walk. Let alone run.

Right in the first 10 seconds where Porra turns over and gives me a hug. I think “uh oh”. Where the fuck is this going ?

He then perhaps will get all into the mode – passionate and breathing heavily. Groping and loving.

I freeze.

I think he is out-of-control. That he cannot stop. I think this. This does not mean it is real Dear Blog. My brain says he is all out-of-control and I have no say in the matter. That the ball has started rolling (pardon the pun) and I cannot stop it.

I must just grin and bear it. So I freeze up and start panicking inside.

I suppose this is what my 8 year old brain thought.

Porra and I are on a sexual vacation as regular readers know. So – by all rights – I am very much allowed to say “no. This is not where I am at right now. We’ve been discussing this for three fecking months”

The Journey book suggests that the survivor is the one in control. So I am meant to be the one that gets to play with a grown-hairy- man- puppet now. I can see that this may alleviate these feelings of me being the puppet and of being like I have no say in the matter.

Although Poor Porra is not trying to dominate me, I flick over into that mindset. I am just getting it all mixed up in my head about past experiences where a big grown man was dominating little me. Come to think of it, I do feel little physically in these situations. Frozen and little (and Porra is a wee little Porra Man….not much bigger than me……..not a big strapping one from the Island of Madeira).

Perhaps I can do some mind exercises and puff myself up physically into a grown woman during these times. Sounds abit nuts ?

I experienced a definite new flashback this morning. This is where I got this realization from. The flashback was at the beginning of the festivities that were not meant to be happening. Porra was all in a mode of his own being half asleep and all and forgetful of the vacation deal and I was scared.

One of the exercises in the book is to role play me saying turning down sex or putting a stop to it. And in turn Porra must turn me down (this Porra declining role is role playing to the maximum, this has only really occurred once in our 4 years and it was only because he was really really really mad at me about something and I was trying to use sex as a “sorry tool” because I had fecked up and was in trouble. I rarely offer myself on a platter Dear Blog)

<I have always thought role play was abit silly, but Paul mentioned in the lecture on Friday that one should not under estimate the power of role playing. It is as old as the hills he said….but it works. Your body does not lie when it is pushed into role playing he says. You react truely.>

<you may be noticing Paul is a new hero in this story !!!!>

I can see why now this exercise is in the book. And we’re going to have to do them very soon.

  1. reluctantmom says:

    I am just going to print this out and give it my therapist. It will be easier than me spending 45 minutes trying to make a point which you have made so succinctly.

    Can I just take you with to appointments You can talk a bit, and then I can go “ditto” and then I can pick up on my stuff. You know you can be my “wing chick” break the ice, that sort of stuff.

  2. diddy says:

    And I can hold any extra brown paper bags that are dispensed ?

    And I don’t charge by the hour (therapists are clever BTW. They only see you for 45mins. It’s abit like the manufacturers making the toothpaste hole bigger or smaller or whatnot and you getting less and you don’t even know about it)

    In all seriousness though. RM – taking a print out might not be a bad idea.

    Rather like taking a picture to the hairdresser when that’s the look you want ?


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