If there are skeletons in the closet, you better teach them how to dance

Posted: August 11, 2011 in Anxiety, Depression, Medication, Recovery, Trying to be a good parent !

This is a carry on post to yesterday’s about Tweenie and her anxiety. As I have been thinking about how I am handling the situation.

I may be repeating myself from prior posts so bear with me

<I do repeat myself in normal life. Something I hate. Smacks of old age.>

I am handling the Tweenie anxiety situation based on my own 40 year depression and anxiety experience.

To me……the question of where anxiety comes from…..is another what came first story ? The chicken or the egg ?

Genes, born that way or environment ?

In my psychological life, I was or have been led to believe for many years that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain which makes me susceptible to depression or anxiety. Said imbalance needs to be bumped up by the meds.

In times of crisis…….the meds were bumped up to epic proportions. Enough to floor a large horse. They didn’t work well in these situations because I was so agitated. I actually just needed to be hit on the head with a baseball bat and dragged to the local clinic.

The imbalance story I have heard from various GP’s who have prescribed me anti-depressants over a 20 year span. I am thankful that the very first GP who prescribed me anti-depressants made sure I saw the therapist next door. It was a condition of his on prescribing meds. And so started my long and expensive road of one-on-one-therapy.

I have been told by my mother that I tried to commit suicide around age 5 or 6 by trying to throw myself out of an upstairs window. Perhaps I have always been anxious. Perhaps my parents were having marital problems by then (probably). I don’t know.

I do recall anxious chewing of the inside of my cheeks as a child. Until they bled. But I think I was being sexually abused by then. I was already petrified.

From a fairly young age, I was duly prescribed Prozac or Zoloft or similar which I dutifully shoved down my gullet.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that these worked. When Zoloft “kicks in” for me….one day I start see colours differently. A little like a mini LSD trip. All the trees look really green and nice (no sparkles like Edward though)

But…..as I have got older and delved into my shit, I am more convinced than ever that my early childhood trauma and environment is the main cause.

When Tweenie has been assessed for her ADD, I was quizzed about how was my pregnancy.

Well……I’ve had anxiety all my life. And my pregnancy was no different. Perhaps I incubated a little stressball of my own. Perhaps Tweenie felt my anxiety from there. Her Dad was not entirely sober at the time. I had relocated to a new town. He was causing madness and mayhem with drinking. At 7 months pregnant, I recall peeling him off the front lawn as he was asleep in a drunken stupor there.

I therefore conclude Dear Blog – it was probably not a relaxed pregnancy !

Add in a breakup within the first 12 months of Tweenie’s life and a single parent relocation to Cape Town.

Add in Dumb Ass Sleeping Mother Moments.

Add in my breakdowns.

I don’t think I will ever know entirely what is the real and final cause for Tweenie to have anxiety like me. Perhaps a combination of factors.

All I know is that I know some people who are baffled because they display all the classic symptoms of childhood trauma……but because of not knowing the truth. Because of families keeping secrets. Because of the age old classic dysfunctional family way of keeping mouths shut……….the poor sufferers are in the dark about their own stuff.

I have chosen to root around in Tweenie’s childhood and bring up the shit I would rather not bring up. Discuss it with her. Fill in the gaps and join the dots for her.

At least when she is older she can make informed psychological choices based on the truth.

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Comments
  1. A great way to make peace with your memories!

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