Grumpy old (Porra) men

Posted: September 24, 2011 in Recovery, Relationship shit, Sexual abuse

Porra was in a foul mood Thursday and Friday. I think it was a combination of factors. But typical of an adult child and a codependant, I found it very unsettling and uncomfortable having an unhappy Porra in my life. I cannot bear it when Porra is in a bad mood.

I always feel compelled to make it all better.

I always ask repeatedly if it’s my fault.

I always ask repeatedly if Porra is mad at me

I will contact him during the day more often than usual to squash my fear and anxiety.

I will have sex when I don’t want ….with the motive of fixing the bad mood situation.

Why I cannot let Porra have his little PMS moods and not stress myself out about it I don’t know.

<well I do know why it freaks me out. All about living with a grumpy and violent alcoholic step dad probably. Being super sentitive to bad moods because that means here comes shit and drama>

Reason number 1 – I had a busy extra mural week last week. Every single night – except one – there had something on. There is not much “fat” in my evening schedule. And just one extra thing can make it become quickly unmanageable. Tweenie also had her school play three nights in a row and Porra – bless his cotton socks – helped me by picking Tweenie up at 9pm twice while I was still in various meetings across the countryside.

This sort of hectic schedule pisses Porra off eventually after a few days. He refers to it as “joling” as in “where are you joling tonight ?”. Now anyone involved in recovery or therapy work of any kind will know it can hardly be defined as a fecking  “jol”

A close friend Wikipedia tells me:

Definition – jol – to have fun, to party, can also refer to a disco or party, to commit adultery or even dating or courting

No – group meetings are NOT a jol <knock Porra on forehead with fist making woodpecker noises>

Reason number 2 – Porra is very stressed about his work and his finances (a typical male stress I suspect)

Reason number 3 – Porra had not had his leg over for at least 5 nights. Now ….dear blog….this is an assumption on my part. And I suspect it is true. How can I be doing my female duties when I am out “joling” ?

I always assume sex is the main reason that Porra so desperately wants me home, but this may be my messed up sexuality speaking.

Perhaps it is also my inner low self esteem speaking as well as my screwed up sexuality. That Porra only wants me home more often for intimacy.

Perhaps I should just ask him if that was part of his bad mood.

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