Clean fight or dishonest ?

Posted: October 24, 2011 in Oh woe is poor little me, Recovery, Relationship shit, Trying to be a good parent !

Perhaps it is a blessing. Perhaps it is not.

But when Porra and I have an argument, I never really say the venomous things that are sitting in my brain. The things that poison my thoughts and make me mad.

I have to fight very clean.

I cannot shout “you sponge off me !” or “you fecking loser you owe me xyz $$$$”.

If I said that (even though I think it) all hell would break loose. I am pretty sure of it. So I don’t go there.

I haven’t mentioned it lately in my blog because it is embarrassing for me. And it is an old broken record that I bleated on and on and on about around about the beginning of the blog. Or perhaps I haven’t mentioned it because I did a Fourth Step around resentment and I was convinced my resentments had been taken away from me.

Alot of resentment has popped out of me today in terms of finances.

Porra has said he is withdrawing Tweenie or household assistance…..for whatever reasons his little man brain has warranted.

He is all or nothing he says. If he cannot boss Tweenie around and shout at her then he wants nothing to do with it, I will fall on my big parent face without his more knowledgeable and cleverer ways

<see why I want to punch him ?>

In all honesty, I have only been comfortable carrying the extra financial burdens that Porra places on me – because he helps me out with other things. Like giving Tweenie a lift to school if I need to be at work at 6am.

Like babysitting her when I go to a meeting (it’s pretty impossible to get a babysitter if he is in the house anyway)

But the threats of “I am not going to help you out with Tweenie at all if I cannot shout at her” means I am getting no pay off for no rent money for the past 6 months and the borrowing of cash to pay wages.

Bringing out alot of resentment in me.

I’ve been awake since 3am stewing.

I think it is best to take half a sleeping pill and exit this world for 8 hours.

I cannot think straight on a tired brain.

All I know is. I do not like Tweenie to be treated that way.

Perhaps it triggers something from my past where I was the scapegoat constantly shouted at from dawn and dusk.


  1. Bearskin says:

    Hi Diddy
    Money surely does complicate matters. You could try “mean what you say but don’t be mean when you say it” and just tell him how you feel about the rent and Tweenie. I have shared some blunt truths like that and found it helpful. Rather like riding rappids – but I still got to the other side. I have found it useful, however, to make sure that I am in a very detached, calm, connected space when I do that, aware that I need to keep the emotion out and just kindly speak the truth as I feel it. Love and hugs.

  2. Scared & Imperfect Mother says:

    Diddy, Hannes often tells me that I must not interfere when he disciplines Amandalynn. I sometimes feel that he is way to strict with her and that she will have a “step dad” hates me thing going when she is older. But he has told me any times that my feelings interfere with her behaviour and how she reacts on certain things. I stepped out of the way and slowly I started to realise that he treats her the same if not better than his own child.

    Okay I forgot the point of my comment.


    • diddy says:

      Thats exactly how I feel.
      Porra is overly strict in my opinion
      And he does not take into account age appropriateness.

      He expects Tweenie to eat like an adult when she is only 12. And compared to all her friends, she eats like a princess already. So THERE IS NO NEED TO REPRIMAND HER !!!!

      Lost my point too !


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