A million little pieces

Posted: January 30, 2012 in Anxiety, Recovery, Relationship shit, Sexual abuse, Uncategorized

There is a book on my bedside table called a Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I admit that I never finished it. Didn’t get past the few first few chapters. A famous book not so much because of it’s great writing, but for the fact that it was meant to be an accurate bio about drug addiction and rehab. The author was later ousted as having embellished the story somewhat.

<will get back to that book one day>

I saw my Dr Ruth on Tuesday before work.

I explained the weeks previous events. Around day 7 or 8 of no sex with Porra, I start feeling guilty. I feel a Big Worry descend on me. Bed time is now a anxiety ridden time for me. I should be “in the mood” sometimes, but I am not in the mood ever. I do sometimes feel sexual like towards Porra, but these are usually at inappropriate times (at the dentist WTF)

Probably this is safe for me. I get to feel the physical feelings, but there is no chance of following it through (he isn’t usually there for one).

Option a) we start something and I feign interest while worrying about it all (am I allowed to say no ? what position was it last time ? will my body be turned on ? am I feeling responsive or is it feeling like he is slobbering on me ? the list is endless)

Option b) we start nothing and I feel guilty (day 1 to 4 after sex I don’t feel sooooo guilty)

Option a) occurred on the Wednesday night, but I couldn’t get into the mood. Porra picked up on this half way through and put a halt to the proceedings.

How humilating.

He could see/feel I wasn’t interested and he wasn’t keen if I wasn’t keen. Feck – I failed at faking keen.

After abit of an argument……where I explained I was just trying to please him and he told me it’s awful if I am not interested. I ended up crying myself to sleep with Porra hugging me tight. I really cried. Not light boo hooo I feel so sorry for myself tears (or you should feel sorry for me tears because you made me cry), but the deep tears that feel like old 30 year old tears. Those sort of tears even sound different to me. There is an oldness, a deep tone and a heaviness about them.

My Dr Ruth has helped me understand a few things……

  • MDR (My Dr Ruth) asked me to start drawing with my left inner child hand. This is one of the pictures about where some of the abuse happened. I cannot remember much about this particular bedroom,  but I do remember the big 1970’s perv mirror at an angle above the headboard. And I do remember exactly where the porn mags were. From this picture I’ve been able to see that I associate normal male adult “wanting to see” my body stuff ….with my stepdad’s pervy voyeuristic bedroom mirror. This is why I cannot stand being looked at by Porra….in a totally normal male way. It plays a huge part in why I am so turned off.
  • Because the abuse occurred all over my childhood house and was not any particular room at any particular time, I feel that I need to have a different experience each time. Or more so…..that Porra needs a different position or experience each time. This stresses me out as I worry about how he is experiencing it (is it varied enough ? Am I boring ?) and not my experience. Also some of it I don’t even like. I would rather things be done “my way” for a while….for instance with me being in control…..but I am too worried……because my brain is trained into pleasing the male and having it varied………….no matter how much I  want it to just be the same and safe for now.
  • My stepdad abused me in various ways and there is very little sexual acts or parts of me that somehow don’t link it back to the abuse. I don’t like to touch Porra’s nether regions, I don’t like him to touch me there with his hand, I cannot talk during sex, Porra must not move my hand anywhere or push my head anywhere, do not smell repulsive (booze or food smells). The Diddy- Abuse-Guidelines- and- Regulations seem too much and exhausting for me sometimes and there is not much I like. The self inflicted guidelines are to keep me safe, but they stifle me at the same time. It feels like it is easier not to bother.

But an aha moment for me. I’ve always tried to fix myself back to normal sexuality (whatever that is)…. After hearing my worries and thoughts and processes with the daily battles with sex (or no sex if you think of it)…..MDR says…..

you know what…..your sexuality is broken into a million pieces….you are never going to be able to piece it all back together……..

it’s time to work with what we have got.

This is a new concept for me. Therapy to me is  always about normalising myself back to what other people are like.

MDR is telling me otherwise.

Work around my sexual abuse and build a sexual life that suits me and Porra. A tailor made sex life.

Broken into a million pieces. But moving on regardless.

A very comforting thought since I heard it. Very.

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