Why I I usually fail at giving up mommy juice

Posted: July 5, 2012 in Me and alcohol, Recovery

When I usually try and abstain from alcohol, I do it alone and I don’t think about the process. Going to AA meetings is making me process the situation more. This is my second time around with AA (one month last time) and I am hoping by putting my thoughts down now that I can avoid a relapse and make it to 30 days (…and more)

The first time round in AA – three years ago – came about by huge remorse over a particular binge.It all accumulated in me missing a good friend’s funeral because I was too hungover and had been out at a nightclub the night before. Slap you in the face type of stuff. Hard to ignore what a mess up I am.

I am now on day 11. Getting to 30 days is a huge challenge as I am a Friday night binger. So in essence, I really have only got through one weekend.
The longer I am sober, the more my remorse wears off. The longer I am sober, the more I start thinking I am not really an alcoholic. The more I go to meetings and hear stories from the “I had to drink daily” alcoholics….the more I try and dodge or reason myself out of being an alcoholic. The thoughts that I am really an alcoholic fade.

I start feeling like a fraud alcoholic because I haven’t been to rehab or I didn’t need a hair of the dog drink in the morning.

<My parents were “hair of the dog” drinkers in the morning before work so my concept of alcoholism is largely related to this. This is why it has taken me years and years to diasect my own shit>

Then I think I can manage the one drink. That I can minimalise my intake for a while. Controlled drinking. White knuckling it if you will. Reigning myself in to stop at two drinks. And usually not being successful.

But I always get back to the binging. Or leaning on wine too much. Not being able to stop once the cork is out. Hiding my wine in my coffee mug at the end of evening when everyone else has had enough, swigging straight from the bottle when Porra is not looking, thinking of having a quick shot of tequila on the way to the loo at the pitza place to up my intake away from the table where Porra is looking….

I took the test in one of the pamphlets on an AA website…..Is AA for you ? And I answered 6 when the minimin requirement is 4. I did it to convince myself I am an alcoholic when I am in “trying to wiggle out of it” mode.

I know why I use alcohol. Pure escapism from my anxiety. Relief deluxe.

Things will be different this time around.

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