How it went a little pearshaped….

Posted: November 15, 2012 in Recovery

I realise in hindsight…….that I should not have gone off on an AA tangent. And that my usual adult child weekly meetings were JUST AB-SOL-LUTELY-FREAKING-FINE and were doing the trick like they had done for five years or more. Those rooms – to a large extent – have been my therapy home for over 5 years. Might I add – it is all largely FREE !

<any person who grew up on benefits in the UK in the ’70’s loves cheap stuff!>

Except for a donation that you put in the little bag that they pass around (which is suggested at about fifty bucks per month). I only bring this up now as my medical aid has run out (as it does this time of year) and I have spent R3400 on medical bills this month a-frikking-alone.

I am sure if I spent that money on beauty therapy every weekend, I might feel just as good i.e. go to cheap/free meetings, spend therapy money on new hair, pedicures etc.

It’s all very well going to therapy and having nice clean teeth, but do these professionals realise you have to eat brown toast with marmite for the rest of the month !!

So why did I stop doing what was working for me. Well, people – someone in the group started getting right up my nose.

I would sit through the hour and a half with clenched teeth, feeling uncomfortable feelings. Somewhere along the way, I have been taught that if something pushes my buttons or triggers me that much……..to try and see what lesson I can learn from this experience. What is it wrong with me that I am getting such a bug up my ass ?

I can only bear so much of “looking what is wrong with me”. Especially when at the end of digging around in my psyche – I know it is not me. The other person is actually just an Arsehole (with a capital A)!

I chose to not go anymore or so adhoc-ly that it was nearly nothing.

I did try and talk to the person about being overbearing. This was because I had those feelings and had semi-verbalised them to someone else. You are not meant to gossip about someone so the way I thought to fix it – was to tell the person what I thought to his or her face. See. Then it wasn’t behind the back gossip (clever neh ?).

It all panned out that how ever I had handled it – I got ignored by that “clique” at the meeting. Not even a greeting or eye contact. I could try and make eye contact and wave across the circle …..like you do……..but I didn’t even get a glance. This in a place I’d been going to for over 5 years.

I felt a seperation in the group. Like it was under new management. I felt an outsider again.

and so then I went off on a tangent to AA. I felt lost without a group.

To double check my facts about events are true, I’ve dug out an email from around about then…..

Email from March 2012:

Dear Fellow

Thanks so much for the swift reply 🙂

Overbearing ! That’s the word I am looking for !!!!!!

I have actually been avoiding the group mainly because of the overbearing stuff making me cringe. So I’m losing what I need because my buttons are being pushed.

I have a thing about being bossed about (childhood stuff) so I realise it may be my stuff.

Could I come for coffee on Thursday ? I have a co-sponsor meeting this evening. Biodanza Tues and I am going to try and do Wednesday (with a muzzle or a gum guard. have not decided which yet).

The bottom line is I don’t want to leave the group but “she who shall not be named” in charge will drive me away.

D

xxx

I know I could be breaking some rules talking about a group outside of a group. But I feel my blog has such a small readership and cyberspace is so freaking huge, it doesn’t really matter. I need to put this down in black and white and speak my honesty as to why I deviated away from what was working. At the time I felt it was a sign that I could go to AA rather than Adult Child, but that move hasn’t worked for me. And the reality is there are sometimes people in the rooms that can push ones buttons and make the experience not a positive one. I chose to move on. Not an irreverseible choice, but a choice I am slightly regretting none the less.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s