Trying to live a better life – a catch up

Posted: March 16, 2013 in Me and alcohol

While on holiday in December, I decided that 2013 would be the year of change.

Dare I say, the year of happiness and contentment.

It is so easy – while sitting in a holiday seaside town in a fancy clean house – to make such grand plans. The year stretches ahead with  endless possibilities. The fact that one is not at that moment chained to your office desk for 8 hours per day helps.

Stress of normal life feels far far away. The possibilities are endless me dears. Getting uptight about daily life seems so so silly.

Being a woman, the first change was to cut my hair on my 43rd birthday. Not a big deal for some people perhaps. But dear blog, I have had exactly the same haircut for 12 or 13 years.

This was so symbolic for me. Life changing stuff. Out with the old, in with the new.

Well – that helped the upbeat feelings for a week or two.

I am now in AA for my third time.

The second time – sometime in 2012 –  I got caught up in a sponsor relationship that did not work for me. I didn’t feel listened to. I would say one sentence and my sponsor would go off on a Hamlet like soliloquy that I didn’t relate to.

The demands or “suggestions” were too much for me. I did the rebel thing. Or perhaps the timid passive aggressive thing. Which is quite funny if you think that I am in my 40’s. I apparently still  have the capacity to rebel. So much for being a strong fearless women who can speak her mind. Squeak squeak.

I went on a September 2012 holiday. I avoided said sponsor. I drank daily on that holiday and hugged the toilet bowl a few times.

The thing with flirting with AA is that once AA is in your head it kinda messes up the fun side of drinking. If there was actually a fun side left.

I continued the not-so-bad drinking through October, November and December after untangling myself from former said sponsor. I cannot remember any hectic drinking stories. But then I am a master of denial and minimalisation ! I have a disease of forgetfulness. Really. I just don’t remember stuff. Can be a gift and a curse.

Any-the-hoo, then came the OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY !

I’ll summarise it for you:

Wine farm

Free booze

Dodgy dancing

Dodgy conversation

Toilet bowl hugging

The day after the christmas work party I decided there and then I cannot do this shit anymore.

I’ve been given a lifeline and some rope time and time again. I’ve freaking been sniffing around the solution for ages. Why do I continue to torture myself ? There is nothing more torturous that the day after making a total and utter tit of yourself. An evening of not being available to your child because you are just too freaking sick. I never ever wanted to feel that stuff again.

I hit 90 days sober yesterday.

Am I happy ? not sure. Am I content ? Glimpses.

All I know is that AA has promises. And those promises look fucking good. They speak to me. I’m in the limbo before the promises come true. No mans sober land.

Living life on life’s terms without the numbing qualities of wine. My relax juice. Living life without the camaraderie of friends and wine that go so well together.

For me life can feel more rosy after a glass or two of wine. Takes the edge off. Sometimes, with a glass of wine in hand, I can feel – this is it. I am happy and chilled. I have arrived !

But an alcoholic can’t keep it at one or two glasses of wine. I’ve proved it to myself time and time again.

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Comments
  1. Congrats on your 90 days! You’ve learned some really tough, though valuable, lessons… Especially that one or two drinks will never be enough for us.

    Life does get better. Not always easier. But better. Just not having to hug that damn toilet bowl makes it better. 🙂

    Continued well wishes,
    Christy

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