No pain, no writing….

Posted: April 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

I find that I cannot write if I am not in a huge amount of emotional pain.

I am back in AA for the third time for four months today. I am on Step 4. With my new sparkly younger-than-me-by-many-moons sponsor. Step 4 seems to be three weeks of writing out resentments. I started writing these out – even though I am not feeling particularly resentful towards anyone.

There is a clean new page in my writing book per person just waiting for reasons why they piss me off.

I found that when I was not on meds and starting to crash a little, that I was a seething mass of resentments.Could hardly walk a step without tripping over a hatred and irritation towards someone.

Now meditated……well…..that’s a different story.

But luckily apparently I can list past “why Porra irritates me” and why Mummy and Daddy were such shits.

Bottom line, if I am not desperately trying to run away from pain, I can’t write. My motivation is low.

In AA, they call wanting recovery as having the “gift of desperation”. I have what is known as a “high bottom” (alas not of the rear end variety, that one is still saggy)

Something I battle with……is that I did not get to a major rock bottom in my drinking. I did hit quite an all time low in around 1997 when I lost a job due to drugging and drinking……but it never amazingly got to the point of rehab. Even though I was snorting so much coke that I rarely made it to work on a Monday and sniffed and bled from my nose the rest of the time at work. I smoked weed, I did LSD, I did LSD and E at the same time, I smoked crack, I smoked heroin……oh yes and I drank. I just upped from JHB, relocated and started a new life somewhere else focusing on how to keep Tweenie’s Dad off the crack. My binge drinking seemed so tame in comparison. But perhaps that was my unintentional ploy all along choosing hectic boyfriends.

Yes……the drinking did catch up to me again around 2002 – 2007……to the point where there were emails to Tweenie’s counsellor trying to get her away from me…….but I managed to recover sufficiently on my own. I say sufficiently, but this does not mean I was angel deluxe and was not drinking to blackout stage half of the time, drunk driving, hugging the toilet bowl.

I realise that back in the day, I just drugged so I could drink more. Doing coke, I could drink six times more than the average human. It amazes me to this day, that I was never caught. That alcohol blood result would have been off the chart.

Towards the end of my drinking career, it was all wine and very mummy-ish. All elegantly wasted type of stuff. Not a coke line in sight…….none-the-less…….I still was hugging toilet boils and having hangovers enough to warrant the desire to stop.

I say that oh I recovered enough, but at the end of the day……AA tells me that if I cannot quit entirely and cannot have no control when I start drinking then I am probably an alcoholic.

I thought it might be enlightening to myself to chronicle my boozing story so that is what I am going to attempt next. No pain needed which I am lacking. Just facts.

I am Diddy, I am alcoholic and I cannot control how much I drink once I get started.

 

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Comments
  1. hilaryisabel says:

    Hi there, The last post I read by your was in November – the one when the keys went to joeys – I save all of them in my hotmail box and that is where it ended – I thought you had like so moved on and did not need strangers to read your dirty laundry anymore – I was really disappointed – anyway I rejoined you today when I realised there is a whole bunch of stuff here for me to read — salivating at the thought of this – only major bummer is I cannot do it at work and my internet is finito at home – I shall have to go to the beach cafe and read you on the wifi (on the lam).
    I wanted to tell you that I found this brilliant blog today which you are going to so adore – doubts re NA – dealing with daughter etc…
    check it out http://www.fierceauthenticity.com/2011/06/06/the-breakfast-miracle/
    Now got to figure out why your posts stopped coming! Have a goodie.
    H.

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