Coming out of the (alcoholic ) closet

Posted: August 23, 2013 in Me and alcohol, My new job. From the frying pan into the fire ?

In some ways I lead a double life.

I have (as I am sure many of us do) hidden my alcoholism and more so, my AA involvement at from the people at work. I have not mentioned a peep. I sometimes want to share what I did the night before or explain why I am dashing off at lunch time to get a 1kg of coffee, 2.5kgs of sugar and 3 litres of milk. I usually tell a half lie and say I was at church the evening before or I am on duty for coffee at church.

My colleagues must think I spend a helleva of time in cold mouldy smelling church halls and am in the running for a place at  the local nunnery.

So my life of meetings, readings, sponsor, sponsees, fellowship and prayer are all private. Keeping all my recovery and growth to myself and watching what I say takes effort and I am thinking – fuck it – stop living two seperate lives.

<side note – I would have no qualms about sharing my shit when drinking. Vomit out all my dark and dirty secrets one time. Sexual abuse, I kissed a girl, cocaine use, my current  sex life or lack there of. Nothing was sacred!>

I am thinking of just coming out with it. Slipping it into the conversation at the kettle on a misty Cape Town morning. Hey. Guess what ? I am a piss cat!

<like they did not notice at the Christmas party!>

Not sure if it is a bright idea or not.

I am only ready to come out with it now that I have a significant amount (well for me a significant) of soberity under my belt.

My previous two dabblings with AA, I don’t think I was serious and hadn’t fully accepted I was an alcoholic and I relapsed (a biggie quite spectacularly at the Christmas work function).

The only downsides I can think of coming out of the closet is that if I am off work – sick or similar – that it will be assumed that I’m hungover or that co-slaves will think I am on the juice if I go to the loo too much.

Mmmmmmm. I ponder.

  1. Great post. This is something that is certainly something that we all go through, in terms of how open we want to be with others in our lives. There is no obligation for us to divulge our alcoholism. Most people don’t care, and some are curious. Only my family and some friends know. I too have wondered if I should just let the cat out of the bag…but then I wonder why it is that I feel that? Not sure, there is a guarded sense in me still. But we all have our comfort zones. I get a gut feeling it wouldn’t be a big deal, that it would be like announcing that I am a Scorpio or something…lol.

    But you are right about blurting stuff out sometimes. I think we do that in a feeble attempt to connect with others, to be seen or something. Not sure. But in the end, it’s up to you how, when, and where you want to open up. It would make a great blog post, at the very least 🙂

    Love and light,

    • diddy says:

      Hi Paul

      Like you say – I have also thought about my motives for wanting to “come out”

      I was wondering if I was looking for people pleasing praise or a slap on the back. I don’t think I am.

      More along the lines of “keeping it simple” and aligning my work life and other life into an authentic honest self. It can get tiring hiding the important after hours pursuits.

      I could always leave a copy of the fat Big Blue Book of my desk I’spose 🙂

      thanks for commenting.


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