In a funk. Lost in serenity.

Posted: September 6, 2013 in Oh woe is poor little me, Recovery

monotony

Feeling in a low space lately.

I just feel there is nothing exciting or stimulating on the horizon.

Except for a steam train local trip booked for a Sunday in November – and far off plan somewhere late next year to visit long lost brother – there is nothing planned for the rest of the year. Hell bells, for the rest of my life !

The weeks seem to fall into each other. A droning monotony of getting up, ferrying Teenie to school, going to work, fetching Teenie (who looks and acts like she would rather pull all her eyelashes out that spend even a minute with me) going home, cooking a meal (with some hidden veggies in for Teenie) and going to sleep.

All the while this being watched by an unappreciative teenage audience who is only too happy to point out my evident and imagined flaws on a minute to minute basis.

A sober Grounds Hog Day (did you see the movie back in the day?)

Having my own problems with having a positive outlook on life – I seem to have bred a miserable teenager. Trying to remain upbeat and chipper is a battle of my own, but add in a vortex of teenage misery and hormones – it’s a daily challenge.

It seems nothing I do is right in the eyes of Teenie. I feels like I have barely got my head around my overly critical parents and I am – minute by minute – faced with a critical teenager.

On the upside, I do realise that I feel so un-inspired and stimulated because I function well under chaos of any kind.

And now that chaos is gone.

Particular favourites being dating unsuitable men, moving around alot, rebellious behaviour such as partying and drinking when I should be a responsible parent/adult/employee/person/partner/driver and all the resultant drama and chaos that can follow – Porra being mad at me because I got drunk, feeling embarrassed because of getting drunk at the work party, worrying about what I said or did, passing out at my own birthday party after it had barely started, driving drunk, having hazy suppers out with Teenie’s grandparents.

All those actions and repercussions took up alot of energy. Like a survival mode. And now that I am not throwing my energy into those men, moving, drinking, being on the water wagon, drinking again and mopping up emotional messes – I feel lost.

I have lost the craziness that used to light that fire under my ass and keep me going. Dare I say, I like being abit crazy ass. It gave me a personality or more so that was my personality I hung on to. It gave me excitement, it gave me zing, it gave me a life.

For so many years, I was another persona with alcohol and the associated life that goes with it.

I see other fellow’s gratitudes or people’s Facebook posts and updates, and I think, hell, how did they get so happy, fulfilled and content. Where am i going wrong ?

Take away all those behaviours I had and I don’t know who I am.

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