Archive for the ‘My birth Dad Sperm Donor’ Category

Well. I finally put my money where my mouth is and have booked and paid for two tickets to the UK in June/July next year.

By coincidence, it is 9 months away. The same time as the gestation period for a new human life.

I’ve been in contact with my little brother around dates and us planning him taking leave while I am there.

I am grateful I’ve been in contact with him before hand as he’s let me in on some goings on that I have not been aware of.

Over the years, I have built up a victim fantasy that my little brother (he’s 40 actually so he is not that little) and my Sperm Donor Dad have a wonderful relationship and poor little me (by means of immigration to South Africa) has lost out on my father’s love.

I was the daughter that got away. The one that would be close to my Dad. I thought we may be similar. And somewhere deep in my heart I felt we would connect. What with him owning a motorbike company and me riding a bike.

Ah…….but this is the wonderful DVD box set that I have built up in my mind. Where I am stage centre victim and there is a happy ending in a cloud of bike exhaust fumes

Little brother has filled me in on the difficulties around his past and present relationship with my Dad and summarises as ” Dad has pissed off most of the people in his life and abandoned all of his children at one point or another. He needs a good kick in the bollocks”.

Little brother – last we spoke – was not sure he even wanted to include Sperm Donor Dad in his life anymore due to past hurts, let downs and all round bad parenting skills.

*Poof* there goes the fantasy. 30 plus years *poof* all in one go.

I have 9 months to lower my expectations of my Dad down to ground zero. 9 months for it to sink in.

I always thought the reunion after 20 years would be the nail in my healing coffin and I could lay to rest most of my abandonment issues, but it would appear I will just have to be facing up to the reality that my Dad is human. And a fickle one at that !

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therapist

I have been fantasizing for many moons about visiting my country of birth and hooking up with sperm donor and my little brother.

He was around two when our parents divorced and they did the barbaric thing and split the siblings up. Girls with my mother and boys with my sperm donor. I left England when I was 12 and we have seen each other a handful of times.

I cannot remember how it came about and who instigated what, but we wanted to skype so we swopped numbers over email and used what’s app to connect on a time and date to be ready to skype.

To cut a long story short, we whats app on a regular basis and it has been easier (as it is) to open up over messaging. I’ve told him I am in AA. He has told me he also had drinking problems and has a sober date of about three years ago and his liver was starting to shut down yadda yadda. It’s been heart warming for me because he often initiates the contact (puffs chest up like a pigeon).

So the theory that alcoholism is in ones genes has been proven by my strange family tree. We did not grow up in the same environment, not with the same parents, let alone the same country and we are both alcoholics.

Shall we meet half way he joked.
Well I’ve been kinda looking for flights says me.
I will help you ! I am so excited he says.
Sleep on it ! I will help you pay too he says.

All I needed was a little nudge and a validation. It didn’t take much for me to start planning a trip and getting flight quotes, checking out my leave, emailing school about school holidays. I do not want to accept any money from my brother, but I just wanted either him or my Dad to just offer. To put their money where there mouth is.

It’s all very easy to glibby say yeah come over. It’s not a drop in for a Sunday lunch, bring a rice pudding. It’s three months or more worth of single mom take home pay to get my ass over there .

All I have ever wanted was someone to be excited (really excited) to see me and I seem to have found that in my brother. Probably because we seem to have lots of commonality. I say probably because I am wary that any tom, dick or diddy could make a connection over a medium such as messaging or email. Face to face could be very bloody different and that worries the heck out of me.

I wasn’t terribly fearful of this trip when I shifted my brain cells into parting with some of my bond money. I need to book in the next week or two. Until I emailed Sperm Donor to tell him I had been chatting to Little Bro and it was likely I would be gracing pommyland with my sober ass on such and such dates.

I received a reply back that Little Bro had been on the phone to Sperm Donor to chat about my upcoming trip in 2014 and that – on an unrelated issue – they had an argument and could I keep Sperm Donor posted on my trip via email because Little Bro and he are probably going to be speaking anytime soon.

WTF ?

I have come to realise, that this time leading up to my trip for a family reunion is a God send and me knowing about potential heave ho’s is a huge blessing. This time is largely going to be about adjusting my fantasies. Scaling them back to a large degree. Perhaps to nil expectations. Mixing in a huge dose of reality. Adding a huge dollop of love and tolerance and what can I do for my unknown family rather than what can they do for me.

Dorset here I come !

I have had four days off work. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and now today Sunday. Oh why does it have to end ??!

One of the things my brain does on a regular basis  – and I suspect it is the adult child part of my brain – is to assume to everyone else is always having a good time without me and somehow I have been left out or dumped. This can amplify any seedling feelings of loneliness that I may have deep in my soul somewhere.

<Disclaimer – this is all in my frikking brain by the way and has no bearing on reality ! or perhaps…..?>

If I do not hear from so-and-so for a certain amount of time, I kind of suffer in silence for yonks….assuming that they have found a better, nicer, prettier, more entertaining friend than me.

It has been proven again and again that this is usually an assumption on my part. It is the sad- self -centred side of me that assumes that I have somehow fucked up the friendship by just being me.

I do think that this stems from my childhood where I just accept blame for stuff going wrong….any stuff…. the scapegoat mentality. The lull in a friendship can be for many reasons……..not just because I am the biggest nana this side of the equator or the selfish-est child ever.

I knew on Wednesday that with four days looming in front of me that those feelings of not being good enough or the stinky kid that no-one wants to play with would probably pop up unless I did something constructive with my spare four day time.

I did what I don’t like doing……which is to ask a medley of friends if they wanted to get together to catch up.

Well, big -stinky- kid- nana cannot be that smelly or that ‘orrible because I must say ….I have had a very special and rewarding four days of friends, movies, popcorn, pitza and my little family…..and a pedi thrown in for a bit of self lurve.

<I am calling Porra, Messy and Tweenie collectively my family in this post which means I must have a sense of belonging with them this week……….the feeling of which is not always there as we are not all really related technically>

Fathers Day is a tad bittersweet for me. Always has been ……as my little brother was born on Fathers Day 1979 which means it is an anniversary of a specific memorable incident of childhood sexual abuse for me.

https://chickendee.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/95/

This particular night is the one that causes the most flashbacks for me. Not a particularly pleasant anniversary people ! And on Fathers Day. Cosmic joke. Father issues deluxe to the power of ten.

Fathers Day for me today was so very special.

I don’t usually have a male figure to contact about Fathers Day. So I don’t.

Phone Sperm Donor ? Nope. Haven’t spoken to him over the phone since 1996 roughly. Step Dad Dave ? No fecking way. Have had no contact with him since 1992-ish. Contact Tweenie’s grandad ? Mmmmmm. I always think he might think I am being weird or trying to arse creep him.

I know Porra isn’t my Dad….but to me being a Dad is about being the male presence that keeps everyone together and contented. We shared Fathers Day today with Porra celebrating being a proud Dad of hairy canary Messy. We went for breakfast <I should have shares in the Wimpy!> and Porra admitted he felt like Brad Pitt with so many of us sharing his  breakfast celebration with him !

The fact that he and I are coming up to our 4 year relationship anniversary is a miracle. Not the fact that we’ve been together for 4 years……because I have been there once in my dating life….. but the point is we are at the 4 year mark and still liking each other is the wow part for me.

The fact that our kids get along brilliantly is a blessing. The fact that we are a working weekend family unit is special.

As Kung Fu Panda says in the new Kung Fu Panda movie:

“Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are. It is the rest of your story – who you choose to be.” Kung Fu Panda 2

Happy Fathers Day !!!!

I don’t usually get such a speedy reply from my birth Dad.

Hi Diddy
 
It would be really cool if you could come over, so start making plans!  Over Christmas maybe?
 
I enjoyed my Chairman’s Year, but Pat <Diddy – third wife !>had mixed feelings, being a mega-worrier.  Most of the Mayors and Chairmen are ordinary people like us, so we made lots of friends, and learned to do ‘posh’ as well.  We have kept momentos so we will bore you with them when you are here.
 
I have been in Hospital a couple of times since Christmas.  About a year ago, I started to get bad chest pains, which felt like a heart attack.  I had all the tests and my ticker turned out to be better than most astronauts, so it was all a bit of a mystery, until ………… one weekend in February I went a nice shade of yellow and was whisked off to Hospital as an acute admission.  It turned out that the problem was gallstones.  One had hopped out and blocked my plumbing.
 
Anyway, to fast-forward quite a bit, I finally had my gall bladder out last week.  Considering everything, I am recovering pretty well and just starting to let the dog take me for walks.   Having hardly a day’s illness before, it came as a bit of a shock.
 
If you become a phychologist, it should come in truely useful for family Diddy.  We will have to draw lots to see who gets the therapy first.  Good job you got my brains and the urge to bike.
 
Looking forward to seeing your pics.  Any chance of one of  Tweenie when you send yours.  The last one I have is when she was about six.
 
Lots of love Dad xx

from – Diddy

to – Fancy Pants Chairman Dad

date Mon, May 30, 2011 at 8:36 AM
subject Re: FW:
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Dad
 
Thanks for the 2 X photos !
 
I would love to come over still. I just need to wait abit work, studies and finances !
 
We have been bought out by another company at work. They are signing the deal in the next couple of days. But the bottom line is there will be retrenchments. They announced as such about 3 weeks ago. So while we merge over the next couple of months, those not needed (because of their staff plus our staff) will be offered retrenchment packages. They’ve already asked those who want to volunteer for retrenchment to step forward.
 
I am looking around for another job just in case, but there isn’t much out there! We also have “black empowerment” ratio’s nowadays where the quota of people of colour per company is stipulated. So my pale skin is not an advantage right now ! So I am busy saving up an emergency kitty in case the shit hits the fan !!!
 
I’m also half way through a counselling course (addictions, alcoholism, codependance, how to counsell people. families etc) which is from Jan – Dec so am busy with those assignments, lectures and 100 practical hours at a local rehab (luckily it is a block from my house!). I am loving it and hope that my career will go that way one day.
 
Which leads me to ……doing a degree. So once my work is more permanent/sorted ….I hope to be starting a BA in Psychology (part time 4 years) in Jan 2012. Just need to go into the university to plot the course (there is about 7 different types like industrial, clinical, blah blah). But can again only really do that once my job is secure. Because I think the degree is mega $$$$ for 4 years !
 
I’ve chosen a particular university I am interested in because the degree is international so if things go per Zimbabwe here I can work anywhere !

So once work is sorted, I could prob fit in 2 weeks later in the year…..
 
How was your year as Chairman ? Glad its over or missing it ?
 
Will send a rare pic of me doing some baking under a seperate email!
 
Write soon !
 
Love
 
Diddy
XXXX

I blogged a while back about my real Dad and my relationship sorry lack of relationship with him.

https://chickendee.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/awol-dad-missing-in-action/

This week seems to have some Fringe type weird sci-fi link back to my childhood. It’s like some worm hole back to the ’70s has opened !  I received a rare email from my Dad plus an attachment.

This did not bring up any feelings for me. I had enough on my plate yesterday with other stuff any-the-hoo. I am so numbed out when it comes to my parents. They just as well be on another planet. That’s how cold I feel towards them.

Hi Diddy

My year as Chairman is now over, so hope you are still thinking about coming here. 

There are pictures attached.  Sorry about the ‘beaver’ expression in one.  I must have been lusting at the photographer!

 Let me have your news and pics of yourself and Tweenie.

 Love Dad xx