Archive for the ‘My new job. From the frying pan into the fire ?’ Category

In some ways I lead a double life.

I have (as I am sure many of us do) hidden my alcoholism and more so, my AA involvement at from the people at work. I have not mentioned a peep. I sometimes want to share what I did the night before or explain why I am dashing off at lunch time to get a 1kg of coffee, 2.5kgs of sugar and 3 litres of milk. I usually tell a half lie and say I was at church the evening before or I am on duty for coffee at church.

My colleagues must think I spend a helleva of time in cold mouldy smelling church halls and am in the running for a place at  the local nunnery.

So my life of meetings, readings, sponsor, sponsees, fellowship and prayer are all private. Keeping all my recovery and growth to myself and watching what I say takes effort and I am thinking – fuck it – stop living two seperate lives.

<side note – I would have no qualms about sharing my shit when drinking. Vomit out all my dark and dirty secrets one time. Sexual abuse, I kissed a girl, cocaine use, my current  sex life or lack there of. Nothing was sacred!>

I am thinking of just coming out with it. Slipping it into the conversation at the kettle on a misty Cape Town morning. Hey. Guess what ? I am a piss cat!

<like they did not notice at the Christmas party!>

Not sure if it is a bright idea or not.

I am only ready to come out with it now that I have a significant amount (well for me a significant) of soberity under my belt.

My previous two dabblings with AA, I don’t think I was serious and hadn’t fully accepted I was an alcoholic and I relapsed (a biggie quite spectacularly at the Christmas work function).

The only downsides I can think of coming out of the closet is that if I am off work – sick or similar – that it will be assumed that I’m hungover or that co-slaves will think I am on the juice if I go to the loo too much.

Mmmmmmm. I ponder.

Flu and sniffles have hit Diddyland. I can’t express how busy I am. My boss was overseas, came back with a flu bug and lasted one day back at work before hitting sick bay at home. Effectively, she’s now been away 4 weeks. That’s a shit load of time to be doing two or three people’s work. At a company you’ve only been at 8 months.

The troops are dropping like flies. Another co-worker is also ill.

Me ? I generally only miss work if I am at death’s door or having a mental wobble. I have to be physically missing a limb not to make it to work.

But I am an adult child. And let me tell you. We work well under stress. We thrive I tell you ! Thrive !

So my exodus from all things medication continue. As I am still in the busy tail spin.

A local artist is a parent at Tweenie’s school. I did my hour or two parental shift at the tea garden this past Saturday as it was……ta dahhhh ! Market Day at school.

I came across this card by said parent artist. I promptly bought it because I love all things cow. I promptly named it “suicidal cow” as the cow appears to be about to throw itself off a cliff. Like you do.

Got home and read the back a bit.

The picture is actually names “the cow that loves the sea”.

Just shows you it’s all about perspective. One man’s loved up cow gazing at the sea, is another lady’s depressed bovine who wants to end it all.

The artist’s website advertises prints (not particularly of the sad cow). Me thinks sad cow print should come live at my house as a reminder of perspective.

Over and out and back to work.

 

New Year.

I think I might be happy. Perhaps this is why I haven’t blogged for a while. Blogging in misery and angst is a very easy thing to do. But I cannot be sure if what I am feeling is happiness.

A fly in the ointment…….

Muffin tops – by default – seem to back in style in Diddyland.

Living with a skinny porra who’s every second sentence is “but you must eat !”….and an unyielding supply of Compass Bakery Cheapo Muffins, Black Magic and Quality Streets (the only ones left are the horrible yellow toffees that pull out my fillings else they would have been scoffed too)….has resulted in the return of my muffin top.

Oh well. Weight Watchers will be seeing my ample ass in a week or two, no doubt.

The beginning of January is one of my favourite times of year.

After a ten day holiday from work and the new fuck-me-over work year not really off the ground yet, it is hard to believe that I let my work/personal/mothering/meeting/studying ratios get all out of whack in the last quarter.

Right now a drive to work is a 15 minute driving- miss -daisy- trip of a journey that usually takes 45 teeth -gnashing-shout-at-Tweenie- stressful minutes.

With Tweenie away at her grandparents and traffic so quiet, it seems hard to believe that life can get to God Damn Awful overwhelming.

With my 42nd birthday days away and the anticipation of phone calls and love coming my way, it seems hard to believe that I can feel so unloved at times.

It is all very easy to say to myself ….well…..it’s just going to stay this way. It’s up to me to draw the work/personal/PTA/trustee boundaries and to love myself regardless blah-blah- horse- shit.

Time will tell.

Full of January ideas of getting my ample ass into gear, I returned to 12 step meetings this week. At first, I admit, I thought “oh no…I have grown out of this shit, stop the waffle !”

But I came away with some thoughts and a lesson learnt about this is life today don’t hold out for moist food.  Eat the kibble today.

I’ve started up my daily early morning adult child reading and prayer. Again, each morning so far….I’ve learnt something.

This morning’s reading was along the lines of understanding that alcoholism is a disease and that it cannot be stopped by sheer willpower…..

I thought this may explain my unsuccessful New Years Resolution of giving up alcohol.

I only made it to 3 January without a glass of merlot. Just one or two glasses you understand. But Merlot none-the-less.

Cheers to keeping the balance.

 

Things have got abit hairy for me lately.

<this sounds like I haven’t made it for a wax in time>

Let me rephrase. Things have got a bit rough for me lately.

I have been working so hard and long at work that I have developed I-am-run-down- mouth ulcers. My friend Google says this is a symptom of HIV !!!! Thanks a lot Google !

But I had a test at a church fete a few years back so I know my status. So. Neh !

<strange place to have a test. Well there you go.>

Went to the friendly Clicks pharmacy on Saturday who laughed at my guess what- I- found- on- Google answer, but said it IS a symptom of HIV because of the lowered immune system experienced by sufferers ! Which is what I have. A low immune system. Voila  ! Mouth ulcers.

So now I am bunging TWO vitamin pills down my throat every morning (not that I usually take any. Trying to pool shock the ulcers outta there !) and swabbing my mouth with Teejel type stuff.

Well. Feeling on top of the world (not) with a scabby mouth and 13 hour work days has not bode good tidings for things between the sheets.

In fact, I feel a total failure and f@ck up in that arena. Have shed some tears today.

But that is a whole seperate post.

I read a reading yesterday about thinking there are two doors in life. If you keep on opening the same door, you will get the same results. I decided to open the other door today. Not to moan at Porra for being too sexually pushy/agressive/a pest/insensitive….but to concerntrate on my part in the equation. He is just a man wanting to sleep with his girlfriend who happens to detest sex.

Like I said. Another post !

I have been a VERY big girl and picked up the phone and tried to make an appointment with a sex therapist who is au fait with child sexual abuse.

I say “tried”…because the receptionist does not have the appointment book and will phone me back later.

Well. One foot in the door eh ? One step and all that kak.

Moving onto staff problems. Whenever I hear people say “ooohhhh I don’t like conflict !”. I think WTF !? Does anyone ? What a silly statement. Who the fock thinks “yayyyyyy !!! some conflict today !!! Bring it ON !”

Am having staffing issues with a youngster Slick. But – surprising – I don’t feel as uncomfortable as I used to.

Must be progress and not perfection.

From: Diddy
Sent: 31 October 2011 09:36 AM
To: HR Boss Lady
Cc: Speed Queen

 

SLICK – not following instructions

 

Hi HR Boss Lady

As discussed,Slick is not following instructions – despite in some cases procedure notes being issued, constant reminding, meetings and follow ups. The other two administrators follow the procedures no problem so it cannot be a lack of communication on my part.

Attached are examples:

  • Not saving emails under H Drive in respect of late contributions/data
  • Cash management not up-to-date
  • Not sending out risk data and proof of deposits daily as requested
  • Not moving files off desktop as repeatedly requesting such
  • Not updating updates control

Please could you call a meeting me/Slick/yourself.

Thanks

Diddy
Team Leader

 

Diddy to Big Old Boss

show details 1:29 PM (17 hours ago)

Hi That would be good. I am in town. I could meet you at the offices at foreshore perhaps. During a lunch hour if you are free.

Kind regards Diddy

 

On Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 2:07 PM, Big Old Boss wrote:

Hi. I am back in CT next week. Perhaps we can meet for a chat?

Thanks BOM

 

From: Diddy

To: Big Old Boss

Sent: Fri Sep 30 13:47:58 2011

Subject: Message from Diddy

Dear Big Old Boss .  trust you are well. I refer to our conversation when I left &^%$ crappy old job. Please advise if the offer still stands of a new improved position at &^%$.? If so, what did you have in mind ?

Kind regards Diddy

<Was going to name this post sexual healing, but “sexual healing” always reminds me of Marvin Gaye and steamy sexual romance which is not what I am feeling. Why the hell was Marvin singing about sexual healing I have no idea ? A childhood experience ? My internet prowling does not reveal much except two apparent loons arguing about the interpration of the song on www.songcrossfire.com. I have however found out that Marvin suffered from addiction and depression so my ten (sorry twenty…you know how surfing sucks time) minutes googling were not in vain. And if I look at his album cover, he does resemble a bergie……Random knowledge seach and retreive done for today.>

But I digress…………..

I am not going to bore you too much with details of my work situation/drama. Same shit different day is the cliche that is whacking me on the forehead.

3:45pm yesterday I still had an hour’s work left on a project I was working on (half a million bucks had to be disinvested in the market by close of business).

I saw I also had 125 unread emails !!!! Now. There could be very important matters contained in there. Bearing in mind I work in the finance industry with other peoples money. Seeing that many unread emails makes me very uncomfortable.

There was not much I could do except miss my counselling course lecture and carry on and burn the midnight oil. I left work at 7:15pm after getting my emails down to 50 unread. More manageable. Will help my anxiety levels next week.

<I don’t want to take any more meds because I can see that the increased anxiety at the moment is external forces such as crap work situation !!!>

And yes, there was important millions of rands stuff sitting in my inbox so I feel I made the right choice.

Got home from work. Seriously complentated tucking into the half bottle of red in the fridge. Or rolling a joint. The AA side of my brain realised these were not healthy coping mechanisms (and I would feel sick the next day).

So ja. I ate a slab of Bournville instead (still felt abit queasy. But in a healthy way I suppose. Could I have a Chocolate Eating Disorder ?!)

I have not spoken (typed ?) much about my stagnant sex life for a while. The cliche same shit different day also happens to come to mind !

I really am just plodding along. Feeling right now very despondent about it all. I mention “right now” because recovery is fluid and I might feel different in a day or two.

The Monday night child sexual abuse meetings are helping as I don’t feel so alone in my “I battle with sexual issues” struggle.

I am avoiding sexual intimacy as much as I can because I don’t like it/it stresses me out/I don’t enjoy it. Porra scares the living bejesus out of me when he implies he wants to spend a couple of HOURS with me horizontal. Hey baybeeeee he says with a glint in his eye. Geez louise. My handbag.

I am doing what I need to do to give some sort of semblence of sexual normality for Porra, but I am still struggling. As I’ve mentioned before, recovery from sexual stuff is probably a long slow process. Perhaps I am healing and I don’t even know it. Here’s hoping hey.

If I had a rich husband and a half day job, I would like to do the following to aid my general recovery:

  • First work half day.
  • Lady Gandalf runs a weekly therapy group that I would love to join. But it starts at 4pm. It’s impossible for me to get there that early every week. I also miss Lady Gandalf like I have mentioned before.
  • There is a sexual therapist who is au fait with child sexual abuse survivors. I need to get my ass there to see her, but I haven’t bothered to make contact yet as I know she will probably want to see me in the week. I need to see someone on a Saturday.
  • Tweenie also needs help with her anxiety. Again the therapist that has been reccommended is probably a weekly type affair.

Today’s pearl of wisdom. Therapy is a Monday to Friday thing. It does not mix well with a 7am to 7pm job and parenthood.

 

 

 

<I was searching for “too thin” pictures and had to post this. Is it not very very disturbing ? >

No ….I’m not thin.

A love of speckled eggs and all things chocolate put paid to that.

Scratching around in a sideboard last night…..as I do most nights when my stash has been exhausted……and eating the ears off one of Tweenie’s chocolate bunnies…..had me wondering ? Do all mothers steal their kids sweets in the dead of night ? Or am I just a sick meanie mother.

Is it just me ?

I have – in the past – even been able to con Tweenie that Cadbury’s has “done” her out of chocolate and somehow…..when she eventually got to take the silver off a long forgotten easter egg………they must have packaged her a half egg.

Half the egg gone ? Naughty Cadbury’s !

Anyhow………the title of the post is too thin………..as in I am spread too thin at the moment.

You know those days at work when you seriously seriously complentate picking up your bag and just fucking right off out of there. Pulling middle fingers as you stomp off.

For whatever reasons, I have ….for the last two working days…..have been taking five peoples fecking phone calls.

It’s chaos.

It’s unmanageable.

It’s too farking much for one person.

Speed Queen has been on a course for two days

Another staff member who has resigned and will be exiting stage left very soon…..pulled a two day sickie

Mr Smooth….the smoother than smooth indian youngster –  is on leave for a week

Another person is long gone to the land of better jobs….

and I’ve been taking Ms Special Needs Goggle Eyes calls for a week already because I have received so many complaints about her not returning calls……………

Higher Power must have heard my internal screams for help.

The power went off for an hour today….and all phone lines were dead.

A much needed rest.

Thank you Eskom !

<I am probably the only person in Cape Town who felt I should extend a thanks for a power outage !>

My new boss seems like a nice enough lady. A nice enough lady seeing as her work circumstances have been pretty hectic lately with three resignations prior to me joining, the company merging in the last year and goodness knows shat else I don’t know about.

<Three resignations does not seem alot, but the team only consisted of five people !>

<learning about all the resignations did worry me initially, but the thought of going back to Menopausal Boss is not a pretty idea>

My new boss is quite open about her seeing a shrink. She was on sick leave for a full week just before I arrived with what she suspected as being heart palpitations.

Turns out that is was all stress related, she is seeing a shrink, she is a “type A personality” so she says and she is shoving valiums, alzams and such like down her gullet at regular intervals during the day and skipping off early now and then to see her shrink.

<I don’t really know what “type A personality” means although I have heard it so many times. Will ask best friend Google and let you know>

I have not devulged any of my mental illness escapades to my boss. My lips are sealed. I am looking the picture of serenity (I hope). I don’t trust her right now. I am keeping my stuff to me. And I plan to for quite some time.

<perhaps because I have dark blue nail polish, usually wear black, have hair like Mortica Adams and have a tattoo on my wrist….she suspects from prior miserableness and thus confides in me ?>

She happened to mention she is taking Alzams.

Diddy – better be careful of those. They are benzo’s. They are very addictive

Boss – oh ? Are they ? I’ve been taking one every couple of hours.

Diddy – you get other medication for anxiety that’s not addictive. If you are worried, you should speak to your shrink.

Boss – should I feel like I am on speed ? I can’t stop buzzing around. I’m getting through so much work !

Diddy – ??????! <help!>

I introduce you dear blog, to my new boss SpeedQueen.

I have fallen into an old rescuing bad habit at my new job. And it’s a path I have trodden before. Work de ja vu !

There is a broken bird in my team. Not a real bird you understand. But a special needs type older lady. She is struggling with the workload. She has a crazy ass hairdo. She has thick glasses like the bottom of coke bottles. A crazy aunt cat lady type of look.

I am sure Special Needs Lady is a few biscuits short of a packet. But 7 days into my job, I feel I should be a little bit objective and make my own decision about Special Needs Lady’s abilities and not go on other’s bad opinions.

<and it’s not looking too good by the way>

My manager has given up on her. My manager is exasperated with her and rolls her eyes about Special Needs Lady at the drop of a hat.

As a team leader it is my job to crack the whip on staff and get them to do what my manager needs. I am in the middle between the manager and the staff. In order to get Special Needs Lady to do certain tasks (that I cannot do because I have only been there a few days and she is au fait with the clients), I have taken repetitive type work off Special Needs Lady that I CAN do.

Lighten her load you know so she can FOCUS.

It’s a fair amount of work. I am busy. Very busy all day.

There is also another two staff members in my team leaving. One in a week and one at the end of September.

This means I have:

Special Needs Lady

Mr Smooth (an indian youngster and all and all)

Leaving person number 1

Leaving person number 2

It is natural to me as an adult child to try and fix things. I’ve offered to take over some of Leaving Person number 1 and/or Leaving Person number 2’s workload in the interim while new staff are being recruited <I am interviewing a couple of times a week too>

The best case scenario is that I will have a new person joining 1 November.

I’ve been in this position before where I take on too much admin work (because of gaps in recruiting etc) and end up failing at the “team leading”.

I’m setting myself up to fail. Again.

And I don’t know what to do or how to get out of it or how to fix it. If it should be fixed.

But what is a girl to do ?

I can’t not offer to do work when the team is struggling.

Do I perhaps put my hand up too quickly to rescue ?

Maybe I should keep my big cake hole shut.